Trafika Europe 2 - Polish Nocturne
its solemnity; words divest you of the energy needed to move from thought to action. In the end, the same happens with my suicide plans as with my travel plans. I talk so much about a trip, I consider it from so many angles, that finally I no longer feel any need to visit the place, because I have the impression that I’ve already been there. The same applies here: By exhausting the subject of killing yourself, you contribute to the feeling that you’ve already killed yourself. And so, I continue to talk about it in an abstract way. We’re having lunch at some friends’ house where I often eat on Sundays; they have been present in every chapter of our lives, and now they are watching me for signs of depression. They are treating me to a weekend in a spa and a trip to Rome in the spring, all three of us with the girls. X. is looking into low-cost flights, and when I show interest, he says in a surprised tone: “Ah, but you and Píulix will go by plane too?” He knows I used to move heaven and earth to avoid getting on a plane; I only flew if it was absolutely necessary. And now he’s amazed that I react with such indifference. I talk about it and people talk to me about it.
“Of course we’ll take the plane,” I say.
“Since you never wanted to fly before . . .” he responds.
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