journal d'une transition

122

close to the darkest period and we only had to go through it with confidence and be one… It is all quiet; nothing in any of us seems to indicate that there is something for us to do in order to change the event… I do not feel any tension. Afternoon, Shr and Yus come in with the open letter to the Prime Minister to be signed by all Aurovilians, asking for the Charter to be entirely respected by legal means… I sign; we talk of the words to be changed. At 2.15 pm, I go to work with D.M. At 8 pm Gl gives me the answer from Patrizia Norelli-Bachelet to “my” open letter to her, which was our response to her booklet “What’s wrong at Matrimandir”… Madanlal brought the answer; it’s another test for me… She is right, she can only be right as long as it is a question of rigorous logical argument… Still, life is full of elements that do not fit into this rigorous pattern; is it to say that things are altogether false, to deny all progress, all advance? People like her, and also quite a number of us here, are fit for this type of action, are good instruments for the roles that have to be played. I am not fit for that. The asuric part in me that still pushes its head up to make me enter into a role is too much hampered by the other need: the need of You… Yet each time the lesson is given me, I think and believe that I have understood and each time the occasion comes not to throw myself out in action but to keep quiet and remain faithful to the truth of my being, I miss it and fail! My place is given me, my material work is given me, everything I need and much more is constantly, precisely, completely given me. And yet I want to take… But it’s also very easy to get into excessive self-criticism. When I wrote this letter, there was certainly some sincerity and who can say it did not serve You, who can judge? It was spontaneous and uncalculated, there was no bargain, no expectation of any result; but there was much ignorance. I have found within my true relation with what is called Matrimandir. It was made so clear. What am I looking for then? Can’t I just keep quiet and grow in the limits, these wonderful, loving limits that You have drawn for me? I do not want to cost anything. In many respects I feel like a waste, a lie, because of my sheer incapacity to exist. But I know there must be within a great possibility. And that is Yours. And I have to become that, purely that, and I will be Yours, purely Yours. Still, with Gl, this lovable, this jewel of Gl, we laughed so much: we cannot do anything, we are powerless… and we should drop all pretence to fight on their level. We have to BECOME. That is what You want from us. And let them do and see and think they do rightly and see rightly! Our way, our dharma is to become! *22-5-1977, Auroville: At breakfast I read F.’s letter about “Fidelity” which he’d posted yesterday after the incident with P. Somehow I found it crude and almost false and I’m unhappy about it as it can only bring more negative reactions and reinforce the division. As I tried to understand, words came and, back here, I wrote an “open letter” to the “Fidelity” group, speaking mainly of the dangers of forming a closed group within the collectivity of Auroville… I felt better having written it; some tension is around me, though, but whatever the consequence I have chosen to do it… I told Annappa I’d made another folly, he at once went to read it and seemed to be happy…