journal d'une transition

134

probably so presumptuous that I don’t put up the correct effort of understanding and rigorous observation…

*1-12-1977, Auroville: At 9 am I went cycling to Auroson’s Home for the Pour Tous meeting: financial situation (Rs.25, 000/ deficit this month), the only way to reduce the expenses is to cut down on food… Is it possible without harm, just with a little more care and balance? I feel clearer about what to do in the Kitchen here so as to cut our expenses and I want to study it today. But then I got a chit, unsigned, asking me to a meeting about the “Tamil workers”… This wasn’t happy, but heavy, with this same mixed and arbitrary note as in the past when this “problem” had come up. Dealing with such issues with the mind, artificially, instead of the direct contact – often despised as “feeling” or “sentiment”. I know what they want, that all “paid workers” stop eating their lunch at the Kitchen – that both Rad and Nat. are sent away and told to bring their own tiffins, when it was their own choice to receive less wages in order to share food with us, since more than 2 years now… I am on the defensive, and sad, because I had felt so clear about working out with Noh. And V. a new; more economical diet… V. came with me to this meeting, at the Matrimandir office, after 1 pm. I explained the situation, and that it is a matter of progressive relationship…, but Toine pushes their decision as “an experiment to be made”; I cannot agree to this and it worsens as they all turn on me saying that I am the only one to hold that view; I probably express myself in blunt terms, in my reaction to what I feel as an escape to avoid the real issue and a destructive attitude erasing a long, slow but steady progress that has been done… I say then that, if such is their final decision, I’ll have to remove myself from the Kitchen as well… V. and I sat by Matrimandir… I felt crowded with mixed energies, something heavy on me, a sense of rejection and of the lack of any harmonious effort towards a TRUER solution… V. and I agree that if Rad. and Nat. are indeed told to stop eating in the Kitchen, we’ll also stop and eat with them at home, and ask Yv to arrange a food basket for us independently… I feel a conviction that their attitude is wrong but I do not want to cling egoistically to any position, and I see the need not to put myself in the middle of it but rather to truly offer it to You, so that You may put Your Force on it and a greater harmony may come and more truth in our actions… Yet somehow I doubt… This situation here is very tricky, and opaque; when such problems arise, something heavy seizes on us; already so much has happened that has obviously rendered Your work more difficult, Your work that is not of the mind, but is everywhere at every moment for a more integral manifestation… I remember that You have said: “Once you have started to give them food, you cannot stop!”…

*2-12-1977, Auroville: V. and I have decided that until this matte is dealt with in a Pour Tous meeting, we will not accept the decision and we will ourselves bring their food to Rad. and Nat.