journal d'une transition

233

*10-8-1979, Auroville: At work I miss Patricia so much. With her we could do any work, it was always balanced, unconditional, committed… There is an increasing tension with the carpenters, who seem to be more and more bound to the SAS. But I’m uncomfortable with our attitude… We go on about “being together”, but comprehension hardly flows; we do not listen to one another… Al.B and Nard both insist that I must speak my mind; so I ask that we consider the issue as a human issue, take it out of the politics, ask ourselves what we can offer to the carpenters, what we really want, and whether we are really able to do all the work by ourselves… *11-8-1979, Auroville: Another, larger meeting takes place in the office regarding the carpenters. P.G takes it up but is very badly treated and our friendship with AL.B takes a blow; the trend of the dominant attitude is implying that, by not turning against the carpenters we are in effect “betraying the cause”… Narad ends up with one of his solemn declarations on the adverse forces trying to divide us before the coming Darshan day… I don’t know, it seems to me to be an easy way not to make the required effort toward a deeper comprehension and awareness; it is obvious to me that we are still doing the same stupid mistake of trying to get hold of unity by turning against common “enemies”; this cannot work, or it works only as a crutch and for a short time… It is each one’s awareness of the true that has to develop and flow among us as one perception attuned in so many points. Only then shall we begin to feel that we are together, not because of any outer difficulty or agency, but as a fact we experience… When the meeting ends and we disperse, Narad comes to PG and me, but he is so priestly… I don’t know! *12-8-1979, Auroville: The atmosphere at work is not good. Today Phil refused to come and help, saying he will not work with us until the carpenters have been sent away… C.E hurts his hand while we are lifting a beam with the crane and has to go home. Later, while removing the shuttering , I too hurt my finger with my hammer, the nail turns dark blue and it hurts! And when I come home at the end of the day, C.E acts very resentful toward me. And when I struggle not to get depressed, he claims I look much too satisfied! *14-8-1979, Auroville: Early morning, it all goes wrong! I was waiting to find out in what mood C.E would be, wondering; but he first said some gentle words and it seemed to be alright. Then when it was time to leave for work, he says he finds me strange, not available, that he cannot speak freely to me; then he adds “what does it matter to you if I come or not!”… on such a tone, it’s like he’s just pressed a button – all the accumulated frustration, the anger at his moods and his dark resentment, all the unease, it all rises up into one gesture: I hit him, Mother! I slap him, just once. He gives me an ugly look. At once I calm down. I don’t really regret it, but it shows me a weakness in me, the weakness of violence. It is a hard lesson.