journal d'une transition

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systems, only acts of common sense on one hand, and things of intuition and perception on the other; I see for instance how both the police and the army could be used intensively to help reorganise the whole country… … Mid-afternoon, Th and Duraiswamy arrive here to see me…! An incongruous pair, and a statement in itself; and a snare for me as well! With deep pathos, placing Your Name every second word, Th tells me about working all together, then hands me a letter from Shradhavan, in which she claims to be too concerned with the plight of the carpenters and the “integrated families” to make any step on her own; there is also her proposal for a better organisation of the work, with two foremen to supervise the work under Piero’s direction, myself and Ruud, with D.S as a replacement… There, the test for my vanity! I hand the statement back to Th, cutting him short; I point out to him that his arguments are not only gross and inaccurate – to say the least – and over- dramatised, but they are also insulting. I guess he will not try again. He almost had me through my affective unclarity towards him… Oh, I don’t want to sleep any more! How rotten and disgusting this all is! And this is profiting from our being in transition: as we try to get rid of our ego, to surrender it, we get to be the preys of this corrupt idealism…! I yearn for the translucency of a simple rivulet flowing among clean rocks, for the whiteness of a curling wave… I need silence and renewal! … C.E has left some roses by my bed… *8-10-1979, Auroville: Today a mason has come to begin work on C’s house. When I reach Matrimandir, I find this: the policemen are standing in ranks, wearing their helmets and holding their sticks; Jyotiprem stand before them, erect… There is a humorous atmosphere all over the site, and the Inspector in-charge appears to share in it, with a kind of rough friendliness… When Th comes and heads for the structure, we stop him. To our amazement, the Inspector intervenes and firmly asks him and the people of the SAS not to insist… People from “Aspiration” have come now, there is quite a confusion, and a lot of jokes are made, and I feel uptight again. But we manage to keep on working through the morning. … Today we helped Kiran and Jacq to move into the Camp, their room is ready. *9-10-1979, Auroville: I am tired, depressed and ill-tempered. I have a headache. Jacq weirdly sits like a stone; Gl is too sweet… I don’t find You anywhere, neither within myself nor in the others; I am fed up with this whole spiritual circus…! … C.E is very optimistic about our relationship, saying it is reaching deeper and becoming truer… Perhaps I am just too thick! Perhaps he is right and it does not matter whether I am aware of it as long as I don’t make any blunder… But what about conscious reciprocity? How about objectivity? For instance he says that when I played at the harmonium this morning, it was vast and glorious… I do like to draw sounds out of this thing, but… I don’t think there was such a… I don’t know! It’s just that everything is so damned subjective and we’re all, everywhere, just a collection of mis-communicating realities, or unrealities! What is the way?