Trafika Europe 9/10 - UK in Europe

All the voices

the main culprits in this department. If they came upon me sitting in the kitchen I couldn’t help but see how their eyes glanced at one another and kind of melded. They loved to back one another up this way. I thought of them as sheeplike; me as an individualist. It’s no wonder I couldn’t relate to them. And who were they to say the poor word about me, and with those looks on their faces – half fearful, half a nasty laugh? And ghost. Well actually, that’s a word which doesn’t displease me. I use it of myself. The social ghost. But that’s another matter. It was plain from their facial expressions they imagined they were being funnywhen they talked this way; thought they were

being clever. Those shared looks. Well, the truth was they weren’t clever. They were a bore. And I think that’s a major reason why my bright-smile wasn’t so convincing any more. It’s because I was so bored when I came across my housemates. Wherever I was, be it kitchen, hallway, or garden path, the smile drooped inside my head. And what I wanted was for it to be dazzling in order to keep themat bay. But itwas hard work because they were hard work. Try and keep up a smile of any sort under such circumstances. It just won’t stay put. And the energy you use trying to force a smile when it doesn’t want to make itself felt is agonising. It can make your lips ache trying to hold it together. All those other things I could have been doing.

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