Trafika Europe 9/10 - UK in Europe

JayMerill

in the house and still trying to keep things going there with my smile that was so much weaker than it used to be. As I’ve said it was my only ally and I had to bring it on for encouraging and consoling and cheering and cajoling, and all the rest of the things smiles like mine are used for. Because I had nothing else to fall back on. But I was feeling uneasy due to becoming aware a smile is not as clear cut a way of safeguarding freedom as I used to believe. You think you’re steering clear but all the time you are letting people in; letting them determine how you are. They are there in your head and the better the smile you give, and the warmer and more at ease with yourself smiling makes you feel, the greater your level of self-deception. And that

is so scary, because once you’ve seen this you have to seriously ask yourself what is left to you. You need a hiding place that isn’t already taken. Where will you find it? You always end up with yourself. Well, I hope you do. I’d be really frightened otherwise. Because if I wasn’t sure I’d be able to find myself pure and simple, I might give up the ghost. Know what I mean? Ha! You should end up with yourself. Finding me is the pursuit I value most in this world. Of course the idea of finding can carry the implication you can be lost to yourself, doesn’t it. Well, of course you can. Maybe for a time at least. But if you’re strong you’ll pull through the haze and come back.

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