JAVS Summer 2023

Health and Wellness

From A Mental Health Therapist and Violist: Personal Experience with Total Aphantasia by Neesa Sunar, LMSW

“ Visualizing ,” “ Seeing in the mind’s eye ,” “ Picturing things in your head…”

Beginning in mid-2021, I took on work as a telehealth therapist with a virtual clinic. This gave me the luxury to move out of my family’s home and live by myself more happily. I have worked in telehealth ever since. As a therapist who works remotely, it can be a lot to work long hours from home; I now find myself turning to my viola to de-stress from daily therapy work—I find it a nice alternative to relying on TV or Netflix to derive entertainment. Since my day-job is not musical, music serves to be refreshing (I know it’s a bit different if music is one’s source of employment!). With this practice schedule, balanced with intensive non-musical work, I have noticed faster progress in my viola-playing, in comparison to my previous conservatory studies. Of course, one drawback is that I have been completely isolated: there isn’t time to collaborate with musicians or play in ensembles. But there is some benefit to this. As an autistic person, I require a lot of alone time to recalibrate after a day of socializing. Thus, it has been enjoyable to be in isolation with a laptop and a viola for the last 2 years. My therapy work is also inherently social, so I don’t feel truly isolated. Isolation has allowed me to reset my understanding of the instrument. Without having to worry about the judgment of others, or matching the expectations of professional work, I can focus more on really getting in touch with myself. Understanding how my own body works, how I can hold the instrument in a more relaxed manner, listening to music I want to hear exclusively, and even devising solutions to improve technique in experimental ways that might seem eccentric, centered in my own experiences as a neurodiverse person. I am autistic. I have the disability of schizoaffective disorder, and I experience total aphantasia—mind’s eye blindness in all five senses.

But what if you can’t see pictures in your thoughts? What if you can’t hear music in your head either?

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It was about three years ago, concurrent with the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, when I resumed my viola studies with Ann Roggen. Though, while I now take my lessons most seriously, I primarily work as a mental health therapist. My professional existence has become remote due to the pandemic. In early 2020, I had just finished my masters degree at the Silberman School of Social Work at Hunter College in Harlem, NYC. Right when I was ready to sit for my social worker licensing exam and take on new employment, the pandemic broke out. I first remained at home for a few months working as a peer specialist at a public housing agency in Queens, calling clients from home to see if they were okay. There was a lot of confusion for everyone. In the summer of 2020, I had a brief job working at a crisis respite center in the Lower East Side. MTA public transit was incredibly stressful, especially because I had to commute after midnight. After a few months, I decided to find alternative employment working remotely. I had a brief position working as a marketing writer for a mental health hospital network, although I was laid off after a month. With unemployment COVID relief benefits, I was able to save money while living with my mother for about eight months. I earned my LMSW social worker license and searched for remote work.

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Journal of the American Viola Society / Vol. 39, Summer 2023 Online Issue