Andrews House Plays 2018 - Smells Like Impulse (1)

SMELLS LIKE IMPULSE

Andrews House Plays Festival 2018

1

SCENE ONE

Eerie music starts to play ( X- Files Theme?). Music continues playing gently as AGENT PROVOCATEUR and AGENT ORANGE appear downstage in a spot.

ORANGE

I can’t believe you dragged me halfway across the world to investigate a routine case about a teenage disappearance. He’s only been missing for five days. Simon Fairfax is not the first young man to disappear from the East Point Road vicinity. (pause) I’m just asking you to help me check it out. (pauses and sighs. Looks at her watch) Okay. But we’d better wrap this one up within the hour. I’ve got a shampoo ad to shoot tomorrow morning.

PROVO

ORANGE

PROVO

Okay.

ORANGE

Where do you suggest we start?

PROVO

I want you to research the history of deaths and disappearances in the vicinity since white settlement.

ORANGE

Great.

PROVO

I’ll speak to local kids around the same age and see what I can uncover.

ORANGE

How come I always get the crappy desk jobs?

PROVO

You look better in moody indoor lighting.

ORANGE

Do you really think so?

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PROVO

Absolutely, yes.

ORANGE

Oh. Okay. Cool. Let’s do it.

They walk off. Lights down.

SCENE TWO

MUSICIANS burst into an energetic version of the Mission Impossible theme. Full lights up. Music transforms into something to indicate schoolyard. First day of final term. The various groups walk in, strike a pose that identifies them, and freeze. The music finishes on a final note and everyone ‘comes to life’. FLEUR and DWEEZIL walk to front of stage surrounded by other SQUARES.

FLEUR

So, Dweezil, how long have you been in Darwin? My family just moved here from New Zealand. New Zealand? That’s nice. Kind of ... remote. And exotic. So who are all these people? You seem to hang around in groups a lot here. Yes. Those are the Grunge Mob. They’re into... well, grunge. Um. Those are the Druggies. They’re kind of into drugs, I guess. (the group all tut) And those are the Bold and the Beautiful Mob. They’re into themselves. Just remote, really.

DWEEZIL

FLEUR

DWEEZIL

DWEEZIL

FLEUR

DWEEZIL

Right. So what do you call yourselves?

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LILY

We don’t call ourselves anything! (reluctantly) But other people call us ...

SQUARES

... squares.

LILY

You’ll fit right in!

The HOMIES burst into the scene — hats pulled over eyes, baggy pants, carrying coke cans in one hand. They dance rap style all the time. Never walk.

DWEEZIL

Who are they?

SQUARES

(distastefully) Homies.

Loni steps back from her group and accidentally backs into Homie #1.

HOMIE #1

Hey, man! What did you touch me for?

LONI

(cool) What?

HOMIE #1

What you touch me for?

LONI

I didn’t see you.

HOMIE #1

What you touch me for?

LONI

I just told you. I didn’t see you! Or are you deaf as well as blind?

Everyone returns to their conversation.

DWEEZIL

Wow. Who’s she?

FLEUR

That’s Loni.

DWEEZIL

She’s cool.

FLEUR

(downplaying her) She’s all right. But I don’t

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think she’s your type.

He leaves. The others start filing out — all except the SPACE CASES

SPACE CASE #3Hey — where did everyone go?

SPACE CASE #2 Is it, like, home time or something?

SPACE CASE #3 Is it dark yet?

SPACE CASE #1 I don’t think so.

SPACE CASE #2Has school started yet?

SPACE CASE #1 I don’t think so.

SPACE CASE #3Should we just, like, wander around till we find our class?

SPACE CASE #2All right.

They exit. Blackout. Music.

SCENE THREE

SYDNEY, BUFFY and HEATHER are standing in a circle gossiping, getting ready to convene the Year 10 Graduation Ball planning meeting. Other students are sitting around chatting quietly.

SYDNEY

And so I said to her, I don’t care how much it cost you — go back and ask for a refund! Your hair is, like, a natural disaster.

BUFFY

Yah. The centre part thing is totally prehistoric.

HEATHER

Yah. I mean, I know the 70s are back and all that, but please . Do something original.

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SYD/BUFFY Yah.

HEATHER

Like us.

SYD/BUFFY Yah.

HEATHER

Speaking of which — I think it’s time to call this meeting to order. Yah. (to crowd) Okay. Everyone. Everyone! Heather, Buffy and I have put our heads together and decided that the quickest and most efficient way to get the Year 10 Graduation Ball together is to do it ourselves. Well — we decided this year instead of holding the ball at school in some scuzzy gym, we’re going to take the school to the people and hold it outdoors. So if you think this is going to be some slap- dash party for pimple-faced wannabes, then think again! It’s gonna cost!! We’ve hired a multi-media state of the art techno ensemble. We’ve hired buses to get you there and back. Dress is formal — and I mean formal. And the whole thing is gonna set you back 140 bucks.

SYDNEY

BUFFY

HEATHER

SYDNEY

ALL

140 bucks??!!

Various cries of ‘that sucks’ and ‘no way’, etc. from crowd.

SYDNEY

Yah — and that doesn’t include food.

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LILY

Why not?

SYDNEY

I’m sorry, but if we’re dieting to fit into our formal gowns, then so are you.

LONI

How are we supposed to afford 140 bucks?

BUFFY

That’s your problem, not ours.

FLEUR

What happened to our themes of ‘tolerance’ and ‘inclusion’? Hey — we’ve tolerated the concept of having to include you. (they pick up their folders etc. ready to leave) No more questions please.

HEATHER

HEATHER, BUFFY and SYDNEY start to file out.

LONI

This sucks.

SYDNEY

I’m sorry, Loni, but life sucks.

BUFFY

And so does that look. Ooh. Do something about the split ends.

HEATHER, BUFFY and SYDNEY laugh and exit.

GRUNGE #3 This is totally out of line, man.

ANNALISE

I can’t afford the amount they’re suggesting we pay.

SQUARE #4

Me neither. I wouldn’t even pay it if I could.

GRUNGE #4 Same here. As if I’m gonna fork out money for some crappy taffeta frock. Get real.

GRUNGE #3 Yeah. I’m still paying off my Docs.

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SQUARE #5

Why don’t we plan a coup!?

GRUNGIES

A what!?

SQUARE #5

(becoming manic) A civil uprising! A mutiny! Resistance! A revolt! LET’S TAKE DOWN THOSE THREE COWS AND ORGANISE THIS SHOW OURSELVES!!! She’s right. We can do a better job on our own. These things never get done unless someone takes on extra responsibility. We need a central organiser. So. (turning to the SQUARES) Who is it to be? Someone authoritative. Outspoken. Efficient. Well- organised. (obviously referring to herself) Someone with an obviously heightened sense of social responsibility. Someone dynamic and forthright. Honest and caring. Yeah. There’s enough of us.

SQUARE #4

SQUARE #6

LILY

LILY

And the winner is ...

SQUARES

(starting up chant) Fleur! Fleur! Fleur! Fleur!

LILY

(stamps her feet and sits down) Traitors!

FLEUR

(rising) Thank you. I accept.

SCENE FOUR

AGENT ORANGE and AGENT PROVOCATEUR enter centre stage. Stand in spotlight.

PROVO

So, what did you find out, Orange?

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ORANGE

This might interest you. The old military reserve at the end of the road has been booked and reserved for a high school function in a couple of weeks’ time. I thought it might be a useful event for you to observe. I told you. I’m skipping this town. I’ve been here too long already. Hey — chill out. Take a break. Have some fun while you’re here. It’s a great town. Come on. Whaddya say? Me? Why only me?

PROVO

ORANGE

PROVO

Pause.

ORANGE

Two weeks.

Music. They leave. Lights out.

SCENE FIVE

Lights up on LONI alone at Nightcliff Jetty. It’s late afternoon. DWEEZIL approaches and sees her. After much deliberating, he decides to try to speak to her.

DWEEZIL

Hi.

LONI

(doesn’t have a clue who he is) Hi.

DWEEZIL

You’re Loni, right?

LONI (warily) Yeah ... Who are you?

DWEEZIL

Dweezil.

LONI

‘Dweezil’? Bad luck.

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DWEEZIL

I just started at school this week.

LONI

... Oh, right! You’re the new square bloke.

DWEEZIL

I guess so.

Awkward silence.

DWEEZIL

Umm ... What kind of music are you into?

LONI

Nirvana, silverchair — that kind of thing.

DWEEZIL

(too eagerly) Yeah, me too.

LONI

(continuing) ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’.

DWEEZIL

(sniffing his armpits) Oh, yeah, sorry about that. I haven’t had a shower since this morning.

Another awkward pause.

So, what are you doing hanging out here by yourself?

LONI

I like spending time by myself.

DWEEZIL

Oh.

After a little while.

LONI

I said ‘I-like-spending-time-by-myself.’

DWEEZIL

Oh, right. I get it. Okay. Well — it was nice meeting you.

LONI

Yep.

DWEEZIL

I’ll see you at school.

LONI

I guess you will.

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He leaves. Bumps nervously into a couple of things as he waves goodbye. LONI shakes her head disbelievingly. All of a sudden the HOMIES strut/dance down the jetty, pushing past DWEEZIL on their way to LONI.

HOMIE #1

Yo!

LONI

Are you talking to me?

HOMIE #1

Yeah. We’ve got unfinished business, man.

LONI

Speak for yourself.

HOMIE#3

We don’t like your attitude, man.

LONI

Yeah, well, I don’t like yours either, but it’s like, live and let live, you know?

HOMIE#4

That’s it. You’re dead meat.

The HOMIES encircle her and threaten to get violent. DWEEZIL has been watching and can’t stand by helplessly any longer.

DWEEZIL

Hey!! Leave her alone!

HOMIE #1

Check out the square dude.

DWEEZIL

She hasn’t done anything to you.

HOMIE#4

Says who?

DWEEZIL

Says me.

HOMIE#1

And who are you?

DWEEZIL

I’m a friend. And if you don’t leave her alone I’m gonna ...

HOMIE#3

You’re gonna what? I’m gonna ... You’re

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gonna what?

HOMIE#4

Yeah, man. You’re gonna what?

The HOMIES have now encircled DWEEZIL.

HOMIE #1

We’ll take you both on, then.

LONI

Yeah — always gotta hang around in groups. Cowards!!

HOMIE #2

We stick together, man.

LONI

Thanks for the Grease moment, homeboy. But you don’t scare me.

HOMIE #2

Yeah?

LONI

Yeah

HOMIE #3

Yeah?

LONI

Yeah

HOMIE #4

Yeah?

LONI

Yeah

DWEEZIL

Look – just leave her alone!!

AGENT PROVOCATEUR has arrived on the scene and intervenes.

PROVO

Hey!! What’s going on here?

The HOMIES scatter. Loni goes to leave.

DWEEZIL

Hey, Loni!

LONI

Later, Denzil.

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DWEEZIL

It’s ‘Dweezil’. Rhymes with ‘Cheesel’.

LONI

Whatever.

She exits.

DWEEZIL

Damn.

PROVO

Mind if I ask you a couple of questions, Denzil?

DWEEZIL

Dweezil!

PROVO

Whatever.

DWEEZIL

Sure. Go ahead.

PROVO

Do you know anything about a school dance at East Point?

DWEEZIL

Yeah. That’s our class’s end-of-year dance.

PROVO

Great! Are you aware of anything unusual that might be happening there? Well, I know that people are angry about the cost.

DWEEZIL

PROVO

(not interested) I see. So, no freak disappearances?

DWEEZIL

No. Well — there won’t be any food.

PROVO

Hmm. Well, thanks, kid.

DWEEZIL

No worries.

Music. Lights out.

SCENE SIX

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The SQUARES, GRUNGE MOB and DRUGGIES are organising a counter-proposal to the current plans for the Year 10 Graduation Ball. DWEEZIL waves at LONI as he enters and sits with the other SQUARES. FLEUR enters with musical instrument.

FLEUR

Sorry I’m late, guys. I was enjoying my Tuvan throat singing lesson so much I forgot it was lunch.

GRUNGE #3 Let’s get on with it, then.

FLEUR

Okay. As you all know, the proposal for next week’s Graduation Ball is that we each pay $140 for the privilege of attending.

GRUNGE #4 Yeah, well what are we gonna do about it? It’s too late to organise another dance.

FLEUR

I agree, and that’s why I’ve come up with a four-point cost- saving plan. My proposals are as follows: one — we change the dress code from formal to casual so no extra expenditure has to take place on clothing; (a few claps of agreement) two — we arrange a car pool with our parents and any supportive staff members to save on the cost of minibus hire. Three — we ask the Town Council to waive the venue hire fee on the grounds that the dance will boost the precinct’s flagging local popularity.

General murmur of assent.

FLEUR

And four — we ditch the band and play the music ourselves.

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General hubbub of agreement.

GRUNGE #5 Cool! So we, like, get to play our own kind of music.

FLEUR

That’s right.

GRUNGE MOB all high-five in agreement.

LILY

Well done, Fleur!

Everyone else except the SPACE CASES exit.

SPACE CASE #2 Is it finished?

SPACE CASE #3 I think so.

SPACE CASE #2That was good.

SPACE CASE #1Yeah. Best PE lesson I’ve had all year.

They exit as lights fade. Music.

SCENE SEVEN

Lights up on the girls’ toilet. HEATHER, SYDNEY and BUFFY are fixing their make- up in the mirrors.

BUFFY

I can’t believe Fleur the frump had the numbers to overturn our plans for the dance!

SYDNEY

I know. I nearly went ballistic.

BUFFY

I can’t believe they cancelled our band! God — can you imagine? Two hours of amateur grunge and a square medley of eisteddfod classics.

HEATHER

Why can’t they do something groovy and

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contemporary. Like —

ALL

Celine Dion!

SYDNEY

I know. It’ll all be 70s covers. Nothing new and original like ‘Killing Me Softly’.

HEATHER

Or ‘Break My Stride’.

BUFFY

I know. And I can tell you — they might be dressing casually, but I am dressing up , ladies!

SYD/HEATHER Me too.

HEATHER

And I vote we import the talent for this gig.

BUFFY

Yah! Let’s, like, hire dates for the dance. Are ‘Manpower’ still in town?

HEATHER

I think so.

BUFFY

Let’s book ‘em!

SYDNEY

Yah!

All three high-five and immediately check their nails for cracks. They walk out in formation singing.

SCENE EIGHT

FLEUR, ANNALISE and LILY are sitting together talking. RHYS and LONI are sitting over in another section of the stage. DWEEZIL enters near ANNALISE, FLEUR and LILY, but his gaze is fixed on LONI. The scene is broken into by the HOMIES entering and imposing a rap feel into the song. FLEUR stops singing. The HOMIES approach LONI, DWEEZIL

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and RHYS.

HOMIE#1

Hey, man!

LONI

Here we go again.

HOMIE #1

Saturday night. At the social.

LONI

Oh — thanks, but no thanks. I’ll be dancing by myself.

HOMIE #2

Don’t get smart, man.

LONI

Some of us don’t have to get smart. Some of us already are smart.

HOMIE #1

(to LONI) Saturday night, man.

LONI

I’ll wear my best dress.

HOMIE #2

(to RHYS) Saturday night, man.

RHYS

Only if they play our song.

HOMIE #3

(to DWEEZIL) Saturday night, man.

DWEEZIL

You don’t scare us.

HOMIE #4

(to nobody in particular) Saturday night, man.

The HOMIES exit in dance formation. FLEUR, ANNALISE and LILY come over to join the others.

FLEUR

Dweezil. Are you all right?

RHYS

Maybe it’d be better if you stayed at home on Saturday night. We don’t want you getting hurt.

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DWEEZIL

I’m not going to let them intimidate me.

LONI

I like your attitude, Denzil, —

FLEUR

— Dweezil .

LONI

Forget about them. They’re all bluff.

RHYS

Yeah — we’re not worried. Why should you be? (to LONI) Are we worried?

LONI

(unsure) No.

FLEUR

I hope everything will be okay.

Lights down — music to capture mood and change scene.

SCENE NINE

AGENT ORANGE and AGENT PROVOCATEUR are comparing last-minute notes on the day of the dance. They are just about to head off to East Point to observe the goings-on.

PROVO

You mark my words, Orange. The key to this mystery lies with that bunch of kids and their party tonight.

ORANGE

Do you have a plan, Provocateur?

PROVO

Yes. But you’re not gonna like it.

ORANGE

Oh, no. You’re not dragging those old videos out again! We were unemployed. We were desperate. Relax, Orange. I’m convinced that those kids know more than they’re letting on.

PROVO

ORANGE

So?

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PROVO

So I’m gonna spike the punch with a truth serum. You’re what!!?? You’re gonna drug a bunch of unsupervised teenagers?? Are you nuts? It’s a perfectly harmless draught that will allow us to talk to them and get some straight answers. There are no dangerous side-effects, and the hallucinations only last half an hour. Hallucinations??!! This is insane. You can’t do it!

ORANGE

PROVO

ORANGE

PROVO

Or maybe I could screen those videos.

ORANGE

Oh. Well. What’s a little ... social lubrication ... between friends?

PROVO

Precisely. Come on. Let’s go.

They start exiting.

ORANGE

Sometimes I could throttle you, Provocateur.

PROVO

Only as a prelude to greater things, Orange.

SCENE TEN

The dance. Everyone except the HOMIES and DWEEZIL enter in stylised formation to live music. BUFFY, SYDNEY and HEATHER make their way to the front in matching original gowns.

BUFFY

Well, it has to be said, ladies. We look gorgeous!!

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SYDNEY

Yah. You’re right, Buffy. Everyone’s looking at us. They look around. No one, of course, is looking at them.

HEATHER

They must be so jealous.

BUFFY

And just wait until they see who our dates are! I can’t wait!

They march off in formation. FLEUR, ANNALISE, LILY and the rest of the SQUARES move to the front.

SQUARE #4

I’m so nervous.

SQUARE #5

Have another drink.

SQUARE #4

Don’t worry. It’s non-alcoholic.

LILY

I hope they like our song. ‘Deo Confidimus’ with gamelan accompaniment!

FLEUR

Has anyone seen Dweezil?

SQUARE #5

No.

The HOMIES enter dancing.

ANNALISE

Here’s trouble.

HOMIE #1

Where’s Clark?

FLEUR

None of your business.

HOMIE #2

You’re not hiding him from us, are you, Square girl?

FLEUR

No, I’m not.

They move away. AGENT ORANGE and AGENT PROVOCATEUR enter indiscreetly, shielding themselves

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with pathetic hand-held shrubbery.

PROVO

Do you think we look inconspicuous, Agent Orange?

ORANGE

Yeah, sure.

PROVO

No one noticed us spiking the punch.

ORANGE

That’s because we’ve been here since half- past two!! This is ridiculous.

PROVO

Let’s mingle.

AGENT ORANGE rolls her eyes and moves off into the crowd. The SPACE CASES move forward, wearing dark sunglasses.

SPACE CASE #1Cool party.

SPACE CASE #2Yeah. It’s a bit dark, though.

SPACE CASE #3 It’s the ambient lighting.

SPACE CASE #2Oh, right. Cool. They’ve gone to a lot of trouble.

SPACE CASE #2Who are all these people?

SPACE CASE #3 I dunno.

SPACE CASE #2Whose house is this?

SPACE CASE #3 I dunno.

SPACE CASE #1Cool party.

SPACE CASE #2Yeah. It’s a bit dark, though.

SPACE CASE #3

It’s the ambient lighting.

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SPACE CASE #2Oh, right. Cool. They’ve gone to a lot of trouble. They walk off having the same conversation over again. The GRUNGIES move forward with musical instruments. AGENT ORANGE and AGENT PROVOCATEUR are within earshot.

RHYS

Looks like Denzil isn’t showing up.

LONI

I don’t blame him.

GRUNGE #3 Come on. Let’s set up our instruments.

GRUNGE #4 Yeah — let’s get this party happening.

They go off to set up their instruments.

PROVO

Did you hear that, Orange? Someone’s disappeared already.

ORANGE

He hasn’t disappeared. He just hasn’t shown up yet.

PROVO

I knew it! Let’s investigate!

ORANGE

Investigate what?

AGENT PROVOCATEUR has already moved off. ORANGE has no option but to follow. BUFFY, SYDNEY and HEATHER have moved to the front.

BUFFY

So where are these superhunks? I’ve paid good money for them! They better show up soon.

SYDNEY

Yah. The music’s about to start. I’m not dancing by myself.

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HEATHER

People will think we’re here by ourselves.

BUFFY

Act cool. Look deliberate.

SYD/HEATHER Yah.

They move off. The MUSICIANS have set up and launch into a grunge song. This is a big choreographed instrumental sequence in which the HOMIES line up and do some show- down type stuff with the GRUNGIES. Mid-way through this piece, just as things look like they are about to get violent, the drugged punch starts taking effect on people. Everyone starts feeling strange and a bit woozy. The music stops.

ANNALISE

I’m beginning to feel strange.

LILY

Me too. Kind of light-headed and...

SQUARE #6

Uninhibited. And...

ANNALISE

Like I want to dance. Even though...

ALL

There’s no music.

They start dancing. Everyone starts dancing without music. Suddenly DWEEZIL appears. He has transformed from SQUARE to GRUNGIE. Everyone turns around and stares.

ANNALISE

Fleur! Look! It’s ...

ALL

Dweezil??

DWEEZIL

Actually — it’s ... ‘Denzil’.

Everyone claps and says ‘right on’ etc. They approve of the change. DWEEZIL takes his place on the dance floor. Someone passes him a drink. They keep dancing. The HOMIES move forward.

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HOMIE #1

What’s happening, man? All of a sudden I feel kind of ...

HOMIE #2

Relaxed. And ...

HOMIE #3

Community-minded. And ...

HOMIE #4

Respectful of other people’s differences.

HOMIE #2

I suddenly realise that all of my pent up aggression has been a mask for my own social inadequacy. I don’t dislike these people at all. I’m just ...

HOMIE #3

Threatened by them.

HOMIES

Yeah!!

They dance with the GRUNGIES. BUFFY, HEATHER and SYDNEY move forward.

BUFFY

I feel so strange. My date of the century hasn’t turned up, but... I don’t care. I don’t care about any of the things I’m normally uptight about. It’s as if I’ve just discovered who I really am. I’m not in love with popularity. I’m not in love with some Manpower superhunk.

HEATHER

SYDNEY

BUFFY

HEATHER

I’m in love with ...

ALL THREE

Myself!!

They join the others, dancing by themselves within the group. The SPACE CASE S move to the front.

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SPACE CASE #1This is really strange.

SPACE CASE #2Everyone’s transforming into these really relaxed, brotherly love-type hippies. SPACE CASE #3Yeah. I’ve been drinking what they’re drinking and I feel ...

SPACE CASES Exactly the same as I always do.

They join the group and start dancing too. ‘DENZIL’ and LONI move to the front.

LONI

Why did you change your name?

DENZIL

Because I hated the old one. I hated everyone forgetting it, and teasing me about it.

LONI

But why ‘Denzil’?

DENZIL

Because it’s the name you call me.

LONI

Oh, well. It suits you.

DENZIL

Do you want to dance?

LONI

I’m trying desperately to come up with a reason to say no, here, but ...

DENZIL

But ...?

LONI

But I can’t think of one.

They join the group and start dancing together. The GRUNGIES step forward. GRUNGE #3 This is really weird, man. I’m dancing to something that isn’t silverchair.

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GRUNGE #4 Me too. I hardly recognise myself. It’s as if my greasy hair and extensive body piercings have all become irrelevant to me. GRUNGE #3 Yeah. It’s as though I’ve suddenly discovered that ...

GRUNGE #4 I’m not the first person in the world to experience teenage angst.

GRUNGE #3 Yeah.

GRUNGE #4 Woah.

GRUNGE #3 Heavy.

BIG DANCE NUMBER. When it stops, everyone except ORANGE and PROVOCATEUR exits.

ORANGE

Well, so much for your mystery disappearance, Agent Provocateur. The guy with the glasses turned up after all.

PROVO

I guess so.

ORANGE

You guess so? I saw him with my own eyes! That’s it. Episode over. I’m off to Vancouver. But you know the really weird thing, Agent Orange?

PROVO

ORANGE

What?

PROVO

Simon Fairfax is still missing.

ORANGE

I guess so.

PROVO

And we may never know what happened to

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him.

ORANGE

Maybe not. So what happens to these kids once the truth serum wears off? They go back to normal, I guess. But they’ll never forget the truths they’ve learned about themselves tonight.

PROVO

ORANGE

That’s good. I’m glad.

PROVO

Agent Orange —

ORANGE

What?

PROVO

Would you like to dance?

ORANGE

Here? Now?

PROVO

Why not?

ORANGE

Well ... Oh, to hell with it!! Maybe this once.

They dance to the X-Files theme. Fade to black.

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