TE23 Double Feature

Anke Laufer

“The Silver Moth”

She wasn’t there when I came back. I watched myself looking out at the woods, and thought I must have gone crackers. But my heart was rearing up like an animal recalling a time before it was tamed. And so I sat in the van and listened to the Dylan song that had been playing that night, with the volume up and the windows rolled down, in case she was nearby and still hesitant. When my paper cup was empty, I unscrewed the beaker from her thermos flask and topped it up. Eventually, I admitted to myself that she wasn’t going to come. In the year that followed, I finally got back on my feet. I went on living in my van, but because I wanted rather than needed to. I hadn’t forgotten the kiss, but the longing had ebbed away. When the anniversary was approaching and there was no prospect of rain – in fact, the sun burned pitilessly for weeks in a clear blue sky – I gave in. I decided to spare myself the heat and the disappointment and stay in the shade of the campsite’s chestnut trees. On the afternoon of the day in question, I 188

walked into my lottery outlet to bag the weekly jackpot. I would put my winnings into a houseboat, travel the canals, fall asleep with cool water lapping at the bow. That was the plan. Fat Bernd and Yolanda were having a cappuccino with Ali, the owner. Yolanda waved me over as I was marking my crosses. The door chimes tinkled. As a group of teenage boys pushed past me, chewing gum, it was suddenly there again: the longing. It popped up, filling my entire field of vision, smelling of coffee and spearmint. I ran out, back to my van. I had a three-and a-half-hour drive ahead of me, but maybe I would manage it in less. When I arrived, the sun was low over the carpark. All the same, I could see there was no one waiting for me on the kerb. If I hadn’t spotted something at the place where we’d first met, I would have turned back at once: a metallic flicker. A silver moth that landed, flew up for a moment, settled again, glinting in the stream of hot air that moved over the asphalt.

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