Trafika Europe 6 - Arabesque

tahar ben jalloun

by what happened between my thighs . The diaper overflowed with warm liquid and oozed over my legs. The underpants became so heavy and prohibited movement. Rushing to the bathrooms of a café, taking off the old and replacing it with the new, changing underwear, throwing it all in the trash, washing your hands, drying yourself, and trying to leave looking tidy; all of that takes at least a few hours. One time, seated at a table on the top floor of La Défense, I had been tempted to jump into the void but the windows were obviously bolted. In fact, I had not really decided. Ki l l ing yoursel f because power changed hands, this exists. You slide into a depression whose only way out is death. It is a question of dignity, of self love, and

of pride. The word “non- powerful” is violent, strong, dramatic. Painfully, I think of a Mauro Bolognini film, “Le Bel Antonio” (1960). In the film, Marcello Mastroianni is unable to know intimately the beautiful Claudia Cardinale. I also see again parts of “The Sun Also Rises” (1957) based on the book by Ernest Hemingway. Tyrone Power, following a battle wound, is reduced to nothing in front of the sublime Ava Gardner. He abandons this woman whom he loves and tends to his painful love life… Evenings at my house, I thought about di f ferent ways to kill myself. I thought of famous authors who killed themselves: Ernest Hemingway and Romain Gary. A bullet in the mouth. I don’t have a gun, so that idea is out; also, it takes a

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