VN May 2017

People I Mense

Too high? While I was writing about integrity, part of me felt that I was setting the bar too high for myself. If I was really vulnerable and open, I should admit that I would love to think that I have that level of authenticity and integrity! I played a game with a young boy in my practice. He tells lies to stay out of trouble. We challenged each other – one week with no lies. So, during the week, I was so aware of the fact that we ‘adjust’ information. For example: The fish in the story is just ‘slightly’ bigger, the traffic ‘slightly’ worse, the mistakes ‘slightly’ more justified. What was intended to challenge him, challenged me!

Carien Human

S omething else that I am a bit ashamed to admit, is that I still play (and THOROUGHLY enjoy) Candy Crush… especially the Soda edition. I get a real kick out of winning a level. When I ‘fail’ and lose all my lives, I find myself changing the time setting on my phone so I can get more lives. The worst part of this embarrassing saga is that I refuse to use my awards or boosters (for those unaware of this wonderful time-thief: the boosters are special ‘tools’ you get when, for example, you play every day, or for completing quests. These allow you to crush some candy, without using a move, resulting in much better chances to win the round). Why do I refuse to use it? Because then it would not be a true win. It would not prove that I was good enough at the game if I could not win the round without using the cheater-boosters.

Cheater-boosters? Like when you let the child win the UNO because you dealt him all the plus-four cards… He didn’t really win… While debating with myself on whether to use the boosters or not, I realised I do this all the time. I create a paradox of pushing the bar up higher and higher, because I don’t want to feel like a failure. I want the ‘real’ win. What on earth do I mean by this? It is actually a little complex (allow me, I am indeed a woman). Let us go back to the integrity-lies story. On the one side of the coin, if I constantly push myself to tell everything exactly as it is, to the last detail, then I could probably boast that I am incredibly authentic. If I lowered the bar a little, my authenticity would be average. And average is failing, right? The other side of it is that if I set the bar really high, and I do fail at achieving that standard, then I can justify it to myself in saying that I am

not a failure, since it is impossible for anyone to be completely honest and accurate ALL the time. WOWZA! I was so shocked when I realised what was going on in my own mind and thoughts! Right through from playing a silly game on my phone, to the way I relate to people and teach kids, it was all about me, my successes and often reflects as pride. We boast in ourselves, push ourselves, tell about ourselves, lie to ourselves, because we fear facing that we are fallible, imperfect, flawed, my lack of failure. This is the paradox – our fear of failure

lacking, damaged, human. Maybe the key to winning in the Life Stakes is to humble ourselves, work on our failures and accept who we are, and that we cannot boast within ourselves. Or maybe I am wrong… maybe the key to winning in life is to stop playing games on my phone and to go do some exercise instead. Carien Carien Human is a psychologist in Johannesburg v

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