journal d'une transition

234

Would I believe in adverse attacks, these last two days would have been rich: first our bodies have been hurt and now it is our relationship that is endangered… Then, I don’t know what to do. C.E wants to walk down to Pondy: if I go to work he will take it as a betrayal of the necessities of our bond… I just see that I am not sincere enough! Finally we both go to work…! We find Jacq sitting by herself; she has a bad burn on her leg and can’t work… And P.G has also got an infection on his leg… Later I realise that C.E is in some strange way quite pleased to have unhinged me, and I see that I need to be more vigilant! … I don’t know what I have to understand, what You want me to be. I feel like giving up all my ideals, offering them all up and asking You just to make me something! Something, whatever You wish, even if it is different from second to second, whatever, as long as it is… REAL! … We seem to go from one extreme to another, more and more often. The good times are happier, simpler, sweeter, richer and fuller, but the bad times…: this couldn’t get worse, we can’t afford it…! And part of me refuses this play of alternate extremes, does not trust it as a path; I rather see it as a lack of centeredness. I don’t like dramas, neither do I like great enthusiasms… *15-8-1979, Auroville: I spent most of today in the house, working on a wooden beam, preparing and fixing it in the big room; C.E and I keep silent: monastic rule today, but it’s good this way! … Late afternoon I go alone to the Chamber. I have the impression now that You are resting near Sri Aurobindo, but a little behind Him; that He is more in the front, now, working, reaching, doing… … The reminder comes to me that I must always look for each one’s soul, never get trapped by the egos, always look for the souls, with humility and simplicity… When I return, I find that C.E has placed a photograph of You at Darshan on the post I have fixed… As we go later for our night-watch duty, C.E moves to my left and takes my hand with his good hand, without a word… *16-8-1979, Auroville: Late morning I walked down to “New Creation” (wishing it would be more than a name!) to visit Jacq who is still “sick” and resting, using this time to recover from a period she has also found painful; I borrow her bike then, return here to pick C.E up… As we have lunch in Pondy, I try to open a dialogue: I tell him I do not believe in this “teaching” these contradictions in our relationship are supposed to provide, that I am seeking for the way to move past and beyond them… and I ask him to help me. But he merely grumbles back, sweetly refuses to talk, terming my insistence as disturbing. I find it rather suspect at this point, in the sense that it might be the sign of a confused perception and of a marked preference for the irrational… Not that I am hooked onto the mind, but I believe reason cannot be dropped unless and until there is transparency and unity in all parts of the being… For perhaps the first time since we are together, I kind of give up; yet I trust he will somehow come round, in his own fashion, because I trust in his aspiration, this is my security…