journal d'une transition

237

The first lorry load of bricks has arrived for C’s house here, so it is indeed beginning… I saw Toine and Daksh this afternoon in “Abri” and they seem to be determined to take care of our pump here, which is still lying “under repairs” in Madras; I’m relieved: not only do I have no clues and no affinities as regards mechanical things, but I am at a complete loss when faced with the practice of cheating, lying or stealing… I felt today it was time for me to visit Miriam, as she has not been keeping well and may need more support. I found her lying in her hut, next to Ken’s hut, with a rash of small infected sores; she burst in tears and let go… I tell her, quietly, how I’ve been feeling for her, thinking of her, the dreams I’ve had; that I feel, even though no one can tell another person what to do with one’s life, that it would be better for her to go for some time; she listens and becomes calm… We spend some quiet time with Ken, later… … On the tape we heard tonight of Your Agenda, You refer again to the Divine’s play, amusing Himself… and again the same revolt rises and me, deep and sharp, a “no” even to You: I don’t know for certain what it is, it does not feel just like some resistance in me or a weakness expressing itself in this way, there’s more to it… Yet there is “something” like a true, a real “me”, but I am not ready; I see that clearly and it is nor frustrating, on the contrary: to see it is to be aware of the Presence that enables to see… O Mother, it is so very true that whoever was, is presented to You is automatically connected to the Supreme, to That! This is Your pure and absolute Gift, Your eternal Gift…! *3-9-1979, Auroville: In the afternoon I cycled slowly down to “Fraternity” to get a couple of floor mats for the store-room here. The heat and the fatigue have combined to put me in a meditative state and everything is perceived with more depth… Rosewitha is there, her vibrations heavily mixed, and there is a family of wealthy North Indians, well- educated and refined; one of the daughters is hunched, a big, ugly hunch on her back; she is fashionably dressed and behaves very smartly and her people act natural with her… I begin to wonder, inwardly, what it is really that happens, that goes wrong during the formation of a body to allow for such an “accident”; what force on the subtler planes is interfered with and by what, and where is the individual’s choice in it? And why is it still allowed? Hasn’t that experience lasted long enough? Suddenly, Rosewitha show me a blue lotus she holds in her hand and lets me inhale its fragrance: it stuns me! Such an absolute material perfection, direct to the Source! Living, manifest perfection! And then she moves away and goes outside and on her way she just tears off two shoots of papyrus in such a careless, callous manner… that I just have to sit down! Where are we? Where do we stand in all this? And what does this “we” mean? Is there truly a “we”? Yes, all of us human beings do share an appearance and a form but, behind it, what are we? O Mother, the integrity of the manifestation seems to be so far away! *2-9-1979, Auroville! I feel held. As if contained. The “I”, the “me”, feels more and more hollow, inappropriate…