journal d'une transition

247

It may have helped the growth of consciousness, but it hasn’t really changed anything, has it? There must be something more truly helpful and conscious that can CHANGE us…! The schemes are drawn; the course of action is thus made legitimate. But I don’t know. I cannot explain away my unease with the fears I may still have – fear of loosing this place, fear of physical hardship… no! I can work through those fears! There is more! I offer it to You. … C.E comes late to help with the night clean-up; then he turns to me and with a forced smile says that tonight he will sleep at the Camp… A kitten ready to jump, a fledgling trying its wings? Is he ready to meet Auroville on his own?

*3-10-1979, Auroville: C.E returned to the house. There is a harshness in him. And I too become negative.

*4-10-1979, Auroville: Rod has returned after an absence of over a year. He shares with us all, with his fine quality, his poise and his mental clarity, some of his experiences abroad – he even worked for six months in a nuclear plant! One feels he has been aware of Your Presence all along; but, as before, I am not quite comfortable around him… I return home ahead of C.E and look at his journal… and now I am quite confused! At 7.45 am, just after we’d had – to me – a silent and uneasy breakfast together, he wrote that we’d just had an experience, the walls were dissolved, divine love came down, tears welled up in his eyes and every movement became an offering… Now – I don’t know! – I become truly worried! In a sense I’m glad I took the step of reading his journal, but now: what to do? Oh, please, PUT in me the right movement! This is all I can pray for! This afternoon, we were trying to determine with John H whether to let Th work in the workshop: as usual he is unable to pronounce one way or the other… Then Th himself arrives, his face all open and tender; he holds a board on which he has pasted various photographs of us all at Matrimandir… Somehow I get the sense that it is up to me to make the step and tell him straight that, as long as he supports the SAS and SSJ we have to prevent him from working at Matrimandir; that he can change this by materially withdrawing that support… *5-10-1979, Auroville: This morning Shradhavan comes to us, speaking for Th as well as for herself, and asks us to allow them to work. We explain that, by receiving “Prosperity” from SSJ and the SAS, they actually support and endorse all the actions taken by the SAS. She asks what the conditions are. We answer: “to have no material contact whatsoever with the SAS”. She says she will give her answer tomorrow and leaves, quietly… *7-10-1979, Auroville: I indulge in one of my day-dreaming bouts… What sort of measures I’d like to take, should I be given the task of leading a country…! Of course, it would take at least 2 or 3 years to bring about any substantial change, and this period could be very upsetting for everyone; all the values would be unsettled and each individual, whatever the social status and standing, would be faced with a tremendous challenge, but it could work, couldn’t it? There would be no theories, no justifying