journal d'une transition

249

… P.G and G.M are working themselves up to address Kiran and challenge her claim that there must be “a better solution” to this conflict… In the evening I go and visit her and Jacq in the Camp and I try to clarify things for her, in the space allowed by our friendship; John H joins in…

*10-10-1979, Auroville: As I reach the workshop Kiran calls me sweetly. She tells me my talking to her has helped her to perceive more clearly, that something has changed in her and she thanks me… I am so scared of vanity; I want at once to offer it to you: “this is Yours, take it, please!”… Mid-morning Th tries again to join the work; Andy and Bill call us down: Andy has been moved by Th’s pleadings and suggests we let him work; this opens the whole discussion again! I feel there will be no end to this, so I move alone to the workshop and tell Th that, by insisting thus, he is pushing us to respond physically. The others come nearer; there is a strong influx of vital resistance in Th and everyone is white with the tension; but each one makes the effort to collect and concentrate oneself and be calm; we firmly lead him away, till he gives up, saying: “okay, we loose!”. But he has not understood, this is not about win or loose…! There was for a moment the sense of a grace, of a concrete learning: that one could not cheat. From a distance we see Th joining big J who is lying on a mat under the Banyan tree, near the policemen, in a kind of demonstration of her own, excitedly talking… The tension has gone from us, replaced by a sense of wonder, and the need not to pretend… *13-10-1979, Auroville: As the morning goes, the fatigue increases. There are only just a few of us. It is discouraging again and again to be faced with so much work and so little participation… So seldom have I felt carried by a flow of energy, at Matrimandir; it has almost always been a tedious effort of drawing enough energy by sheer will- power, developing a capacity of perseverance or, more exactly, a kind of blind, stubborn obstinacy…! … I have been trying to finish these beaded head-bands for P.G and G.M, their respective birthdays being tomorrow and day after, but it is a small struggle, there is a poor atmosphere around me, a kind of suffocation… But I finish it all during my night-watch (I had first to chase the police away!)... *14-10-1979, Auroville: Sunday at home… Along with tea, Ven brings me a bunch of these golden spherical blooms, “Supramental Sun”; one of our trees has started flowering: this is such a vibrant perfection, so certain, so filled with promise… Ramalingam comes, just to be together with me a moment; I’m glad he is able to be in Auroville again, without resentment; he is dear to me, with an echo within of past sharing, past strivings… … I do not know any longer what it is that C.E wants. The time when I felt to give myself unreservedly seems now almost like the story of a dream… I do not know whether we can still make any progress.