journal d'une transition

684

… I find myself back to the same point, incapable to relate to the people here, having no activity that I can share with anyone, and feeling alien to the spirit in which things are being done in Auroville…

*4-11-1986, Auroville: Larry and Auralice came by; Larry wants us to send some of Janaka’s things to his family, and he was looking for some papers too. He is planning to send Auralice to the US for her schooling, in a few weeks. He also said that he now feels inclined to come and “participate” in the work at “Ravena”; I don’t know what he exactly means, there is always some confusion around him… … I met Ed; we talked about the money he owed to Janaka; I suggested that, as he seemed to be reluctant to let go of this money, he could use it for the purchase of the land adjacent to “Ravena” which we couldn’t get cleared before Janaka’s illness… … I have been listening to Your Agenda… I am beginning to accept that You could give only one relationship such as the one You gave to Satprem, and that therefore he is the only one now equipped to really try and follow You; because one simply cannot, without having received that from You. One can “understand”, one can feel within and above, one can become conscious and try to collaborate but, without a solid, constant, direct, manifest relationship with You, I don’t see how one can ever… How to say? I am beginning to accept it – that is, not to revolt – but I do not yet grasp the consequences, the implications for the way… *5-11-1986, Auroville: I find harmony in my relationships with things, with objects, with Nature, even with animals, but, with human beings, it is mostly a weight, and a cause for despair…! Yet, I can’t go on living that way! Something has to change with me! There’s an affective knot that must be loosened…

*6-11-1986, Auroville: I painted till night fell. I had dinner at the Kitchen, and Su, John H’s sister (who has recently arrived) joined me there. I like her and spontaneously respect her, and I feel that it makes sense for her to have come to Auroville…

*8-11-1986, Auroville: Today was N’s birthday. We went down to Pondy as I had promised, and watched half of a bizarre South-American movie and had dinner in a restaurant, quickly, in a noisy room, and sat for a while by the ocean, and I gave him his present, a small silver locket with both Your symbols on it, for him to wear around his waist… I would want to hold him and kiss him and feel his warmth with my body, but I do not want to “take”, I do not want another absurdity… *9-11-1986, Auroville: Ar. had dinner with me, and it was sweet with her: she is my good friend. I met Su briefly, John H’s sister. There is something between us, a contact; but, on her side, I can feel it is made of much attraction, and I don’t know what to do with it. I respect her and am open to her but, right now, I feel too surrounded with what