journal d'une transition

687

N came late this morning, with a bruise on his eye… He said that Saturday night, after he’d left me, he went home to find that both his children were down with fever and acute diarrhoea and his wife crying; he’d taken them to Koot Road to a doctor, and, while cycling back in the middle of the night, they were assaulted by 4 men who had pulled a string across the road, and he was robbed of what was left of his pay… … I had dinner with John H; then, Su and her friend, a heavy-built easy-going American girl from the Guest-House, joined us and we went to sit at the amphitheatre, watching the moon rise. I enjoyed being with John H, as we don’t see much of each other these days; it was 7.20 pm when we all saw suddenly a huge star slide all the way down the sky, very near; I do not understand what kind of star it was, or whether it was a fragment of meteorite; just above the tree-line it split into two large and one small flaming parts and it all vanished, with a peculiar movement… It was 13 years exactly that Your physical heart had stopped beating… *19-11-1986, Auroville: There is a strange sensation today, as of being at once on the verge of, and missing something… Also I have opened again to the “classic” sexual vibration; it is a whole life in itself, in its own right. It is the type of life that Henry Miller explored, which has several times come close in my existence like an alternate possibility; it is not at all mixed with affectivity, as when I am drawn to a man friend; it is itself and it has its own joy and its own energy; it is neither dark nor gloomy nor hard, but it is endless: it is a sort of infinite, and it goes through women almost regardless of particulars, opening at each individual contact… This aspect does not cause a conflict as such, as the other aspect does; I could just tune into it when it comes, and my concerns would only be practical… While with the other aspect, when I get under the spell of an attraction towards a man, it stirs up all my affectivity… *20-11-1986, Auroville: Ar. brought a copy of the book that has been made by a team of Aurovilians, under Kireet’s direction, for educational purposes throughout India, “The Aims of Life”; it is beautifully done, with a fine quality to it, and I was happy to see and touch it, and I found it encouraging… … John H and Su sat with me at dinner; then John H had some work at Matrimandir and I offered to Su to go and sit at the Amphitheatre again; and quietly I told her what I had wanted to say about my circumstances, and Ar.’s involvement, and the fact that I want to remain alone – and that I am a tough person to deal with for a woman; and having said all this, that I didn’t know what it actually meant in terms of our relationship, but that it surely made no difference to the friendship we had found between us. She seems to understand. I appreciate her; the possibility of a physical encounter remains. I see that it is still a release and a breath when I can relate this way to a woman; I can’t deny it when the possibility is offered.

*22-11-1986, Auroville: