journal d'une transition

693

I respect and appreciate Su and am at home with her, but I cannot make her my queen, my incarnation; she doesn’t have the key, although she is the kind of woman who may sense what needs to happen; she has the capacity, but she will not use it because she knows – and I respect her for that, gratefully – that she is not, ultimately, the one I need…

*17-12-1986, Auroville: Larry came, and I found out that he had never sent my statement and letter to Janaka’s sister, for some confused “good reasons” (which may have to do in fact with Auralice’s schooling and care in the US)…

*18-12-1986, Auroville: Larry came here so I could help him write his own letter to Janaka’s sister; it took an hour to work through his confusion… … Ar. was more joyful; but she said that she sometimes wondered about being so “inhabited” by me…! I had to reply that, if such was the case – of a sort of possession -, then the best thing I could do was to cut the relationship and the contact, so as to free her; that it would be painful for a while but she would recover and centre… And this evening I found a short, simple note from her saying that in any case I was her friend, and that was true, and not to be touched… *20-12-1986, Auroville: Quelquefois tout paraît si simple : une seule chose est nécessaire, c’est d’apprendre pratiquement à s’ouvrir à la Conscience ; parce que, devenir plus conscient, c’est devenir mieux capable d’être. Et c’est tout. Et l’on regarde en arrière, et l’on voit toutes les complications, les formations que l’on a projetées sur le seul chemin, et comme notre ignorance pèse et déforme… *23-12-1986, Auroville: Yesterday night I had this longing to be with Su, but kind of distrusted my mood; I do not want to be merely taking from her, taking what I need from her company, without being able to give. I watch her and learn from her and her ways: she likes to laugh, she is congenial and warm to people, and I feel gloomy in comparison… Tonight is the same; I am tempted to go to her, and just have her be with me, next to me, quietly, but I have nothing to give; this depression must leave me first… … On my way back from work I met Coni with her little one, Auro Yami, whom I hadn’t seen for nearly a year; she has grown so much, and I met in her eyes that sweet love of the psychic which I only know in infants, and miss so much… In a way, it didn’t help, because it made me miss my princess even more… *24-12-1986, Auroville: I know more and more concretely that the one, unique way, is Consciousness – to grow conscious. Consciousness does the changes. Everything else is a consequence. And It must incarnate in Matter. Itself being Matter, the full circle, it is this image of the serpent biting its tail that You gave the children…