journal d'une transition

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flow back unhampered, bringing with it natural, innate harmony, translating into health and fullness and strength and plasticity… But how much of it is for my own self-satisfaction? It is not clear to me… … Ar. left me another letter; more of the same! And I haven’t found any true answer either; I have found nothing! I only have met another woman-soul, a person, someone I respect and value and with whom a real contact has established or renewed itself; I haven’t found the person who will matter centrally in my experience…! … On my way back from work, I met Surya (Sj); he had just come here looking for me; he returned yesterday from Europe, after several years, to stay; he is swollen up and grey-white, like a man who has nearly drowned, but he’s still there and it will be alright… He called me “my brother”, and I know what it has meant to him all this time, away from here… *5-3-1987, Auroville: Yesterday night, Ramu (Ina) came to talk to me about Su’s distress; they have become close friends, and Ramu feels concerned and worried that Su, upon leaving, was crying so much, because she couldn’t be sure that she could come back to me; according to Ramu it was my responsibility to be clear and choose the one woman I wanted to live with… I left word for Su, later, and at night she came: I told her again how it is for me, that there are no attachments on my part and that I have been trying all along to free Ar. from hers and will keep trying; and that with her, Su, it all feels very natural and right that she is here, and that is all I can honestly and truthfully say… And so, all of this morning, while at work, I have been looking at what is attachment actually, and what it does… However much I sometimes wish I could feel strong attachment to the right person and thus belong to the normalcy of things, still in the long run and in my deeper awareness, I do not believe in the truth of it; it is felt as an obstacle, an obscuring and confusing agent… And now with Su I somehow feel a little betrayed, because I had believed her when, earlier, she had committed to friendship as a basis for our relationship… … Tonight Su and I spent a long time quietly talking, sitting at the amphitheatre, and it is very good: there is a thick and hard crust over me, and sometimes it dissolves a little; she is good; she is Su! *7-3-1987, Auroville: Ar. tells me that there is a small breath of fresh air at Matrimandir, as it has finally been agreed to make a thorough study of a full double shell for the structure… I cannot understand this waste of time, and the mediocrity of all these arguments, over the years… *8-3-1987, Auroville: Su says that it has never been that hard for her to leave any place in the past, that it is like a tearing apart, even though she knows that she is coming back; and about us she says that she’s had several times the experience of finding me again – that she had found me again after centuries of separation, and that the last time we had been close to each other, I was a prince in Europe… Whatever, but I can’t understand what is wrong with me, that whoever comes close to me has to shed so