journal d'une transition

736

the so-called “neutrals” and the Executive Council, of which he has become a member; he isn’t without lucidity, at least mentally, about the whole thing, but it pleases his vital to play that game, perhaps backed by a more genuine need to see Auroville open up to a direction more worthy of You. I cannot disagree with him, because he is just being himself…!

*19-7-1987, Auroville: I will try and complete “Ravena”, Mother, and then You must clearly tell me what I do. And that will be that…!

*20-7-1987, Auroville: I had come to the conclusion, regarding N, that he’d been tricking me much of the time, and that it’d be better to put some distance between us. There’s something I do not know, which makes it all off-balanced; I am quite sure of it now; and it works against both of us. The atmosphere in the work is a little odd, especially since Jagannathan has left, for higher wages; it seems actually that he’s been hired by Pete, and Pete would surely have known that Jagannathan was working for me; so it is like that: Auroville today isn’t such a good place; everything seems to be going wild, nothing stands to replace the discarded ethics. And in that direction, inevitably, lies in wait the old power of money… Almost everything I see in Auroville now, everything that is of consequence in the daily life of Auroville, makes me feel nauseous and anguished… … G.G and S came to visit at “Ravena” today, a gentle gesture, to inform me that one of the trustees of that Dutch Foundation, a lady, would be in Auroville for a few days, and I should try and meet her about “Ravena”, to ask for funds… Since there is no effective coordination of all the projects at the moment, it is everything for grabs! I am reluctant to run for the pie, but G.G said there was no other way… *22-7-1987, Auroville: I halted in the Matrimandir Gardens on my way back today; Ar. and a couple of others at the Nursery had asked me to help them clean around the trees that F.Gr has abandoned, and around Ruud’s grave; there was work for me there if I wanted to help with the pruning; it felt good, and reviving, and I thing I’ll do it. I have missed working in a team, for Auroville! … I went to pick up that Dutch lady, Mia, and her adopted daughter, a young, very interesting Nigerian woman, and I took them to “Ravena”; Mia had said at once that there would be no chance of financial help, but they stayed a long time, and sat quietly on the upper roof terrace, and I felt that their understanding and emotion were genuine… *23-7-1987, Auroville: I can no longer take health for granted; it has become a constant adjustment, and watchfulness, like steering a boat in an unknown sea. I have also to learn to depend less and less on vital energies, and so, in ordinary terms, I seem to become less and less capable. There seems to be some unavoidable transition between the old, illusory, semi-conscious capacity (with its degrees and stages), and the new growing awareness which will reveal the direct power of consciousness; a transition that may last…!