journal d'une transition

738

the status and organisation of Auroville after the Government’s withdrawal, supposedly next November…

*28-7-1987, Auroville: This morning N came back to work. There was tension as I approached him (I had not found him yesterday when I looked for him); it resolved itself gradually as we talked, as I made him answer clearly… I realise that, regarding his physical troubles – I think that it is actually a sort of nervous disorder, deeply rooted, that moves all over and creates havoc here and there -, he is scared that it may be something like what Janaka had, and that he has to struggle all the time to overcome this superstitious fear… *29-7-1987, Auroville: The wind-mill has broken down at “Ravena” and the diesel engine has failed here and there has been no power supply for the past 24 hours, so both gardens are miserable… Every means we must use seems so artificial: a little nut here, a broken screw out there, and an entire community veers brutally to the lowest survival level… And the old question: how to care, without attachment? How to grow living plants, and see them wilt and die with “detachment”? I don’t know! In some way it might be better to let Nature move on her own and join her, complement her, co-create with her only when there is solid possibility… But here in Auroville we are bound to rely and depend on all these contraptions, for the water-table is too low for open wells, and there are no rivers nearby… … I cycled down to the beach after the work, and I passed my princess; she was walking with several other little girls, and among them was Aurassi, her elder sister, while most of the others were Tamilians, I think: my princess is remarkable, with her rich hair turning brown and her deep-set ice-fire blue piercing eyes; she is stunning! I have never seen eyes like hers… They met mine briefly, her unaware, not knowing; but Aurassi was all stiff and uptight and sombre at her side, perhaps fearing I might want to stop… But how could I, when her own mother still denies me? It would only upset her balance… … A general meeting took place this afternoon, about the negotiations with the SAS; I looked at the issue within myself, while at work; there could be some justice in having to work again with the people of the SAS over the destiny of Auroville; but whichever way it goes, it is sincerity and awareness that are lacking… And too there is the problem of Satprem…! Individually this seems to have little importance; I can’t see it as a crucial issue any more; in some way I believe that the people of Auroville have missed the opportunity that was given during the last few years, and that they have instead started on the wrong track… *30-7-1987, Auroville: There are moments, rare – yet these are the moments that are truly “normal” – when it clears up a bit and it feels that this struggle is over at last, this heavy obstinate pull is undone and dissolved and I can now turn on the way and walk and see and love and grow, free and given…: a natural state of the true being…! … Am I crazy to go on with “Ravena”, not knowing if money will come in time, nor how it will be utilised, who will live in it, who will care for it, not knowing but the smallest step ahead?