Alcala Yearbook 1992-1993

Someday 1992-1993

ALCALA NEWS

A-7

Supreme Imperial Vizier of Cinna– mon attends trade-talks at USD

New phone system creates financial opportunities for USD The experimental lines will system installed by Pacific Bell include the standard home– for the Presidential debates last work assistance number (976- fall will serve to bring in extra WHAT), a counseling line (976- income for USD. HELP), and a party line where "We discovered that the students and others can call in [phone] lines are capable of be- and meet one another (976- ing used for charge-to-caller HWDY). The experimental activity," said USD Communi- calls will be billed at 30 cents cations Chairman Albert Yentl, per minute, and will be subject "and we have plans in the works to increase after the initial test– to capitalize on this opportu- ing is over. nity." "We thought we'd go with The University will, there- the sure bets to begin with: you fore, be initiating a series of know, play it safe," said Yentl. "976 "numbers, beginning in the "But if this pans out as we ex– Fall semester of 1993. The new pect it will, we'll enlarge the charge-to-caller numbers will selection of lines to be more begin running with several ex- multicultural, now that the perimental lines, in order to university is going in for that determine the market for such a stuff. Maybe off-track betting, system. psychic hot-lines, tarot readers, "We thought we'd begin with all that good stuff. Who knows, lines that appeal to both the maybe even phone sex. This University community and the could be big big business." community at large as well," The Provost Office was not said Yentl. available for comment on this. USD receives federal grant to study effects of college education on students The fiber-optic telephone

The Vizier and other Spice Island dignitaries were met by President Hughs at a formal re– ception in the Manchester Con– ference Center. After the recep– tion, the summit began and the dignitaries sat down to six hours of arduous trade debates. The summit continued for two more days, during which several vehement arguments broke out between the nations of Paprika and Cayenne. On the second day, the delegation from Basil walked out of the summit after the ambassador from Cilantro referred to their nation's chief export as a minor

Rajav Gangres Jurpa Jurpa II, the monarch of the tiny is– land nation of Cinnamon, vis– ited the USD campus in March of 1993. Attending the annual Spice Island Trade Summit held on campus, the Imperial Grand Vizier made his first trip out of his nation in over 30 years. While the overt object of the Vizier's trip was to secure a good price for his nation's cinnamon harvest, he admitted that there was indeed an ulterior motive for bringing him out ofhis coun– try for the first time in over three decades.

The Office University Re– search released a statement last February, announcing that it is receiving $900 thousand from the US Department of Educa– tion to study the effects of a college education on subjects never having been exposed to secondary education. "We're very excited at this opportunity," said program di– rector Jennie del Giourno. "It is a big bonus to this project to receive such a windfall." The program will take ado– lescents who are recently gradu– ated from high school, submit them to a college curriculum

and, over a four year period, test their abilities to cope with the materials. "We believe that the results of this study will give us lots of vital information which will better enable us to provide for our students," said Bertram Kuhkopf, dean of education." The first participants in the program are being selected from some of the most exclu– sive private preparatory schools in the United States. "We don't want to waste the program on bad apples," said Kuhkopf,"so, we're being very selective about this thing.

"The other reason for my trip," said the Vizier, speaking through a Cinnamali inter– preter," is to visit my nephew who is attending the university here." The student to whom the Vizier referred was USD Junior Juan Alfonso Twali Jurpa, the heir apparent to the throne of Cinnamon. Despite his 34 wives, the Vizier has no male children, and has named his nephew as his successor. Enrolled only by the name Juan Alfonso, the prince is a rather unassuming yet medio– cre student with few friends.

condiment. UN representative, Sir Chauncy Ruprecht, worked frantically to keep the summit in order. After the summit's conclu– sion, the Vizier threw a formal gala in his nephew's honor and invited the entire USD commu– nity at the US Grant Hotel in San Diego. The Vizier and the prince headed the reception line, dressed in the official royal garb of Cinnamon. The party lasted until 3 a.m. when the last guests were driven back to campus by a fleet of specially hired limos.