journal d'une transition

238

Yet, in Your body it has been there, tangibly there, and this I adore, more than a blue lotus, more than all the perfect things in all the worlds!

*6-9-1979, Auroville: I am physically weary and tired; and without much courage. But there is this sort of unsentimental will to persevere, to go on, and to turn it into something else. We remove the shuttering from under the first circular beam; the concrete is beautiful, powerful. These days at work it is almost silent and there is a feeling as if we were survivors of a kind, isolated from man’s world… At tea-break I watch our faces, our bodies…: G.M, under pressure, his hands trembling; D.S gossiping, inert; Andy, weak; Jacq fatigued, wondering; Gl wavering between quiet confidence and irrational tension… We are transitional beings, who could understand us? Today again G.M wants to eat lunch with us at home: Ina has chased him away, packed off most of his belongings…! But he seems through it to be coming to terms with himself. P comes in to talk about the houses here, the garden, and the necessity to take down Mir’s hut, and we all agree on that… *8-9-1979, Auroville: It has rained most of the night. I gaze at the lotus leaves, their perfect open orbs, their stems erect, pearls of luminous, single drops on their green, the breath of grace, the soil answering, and I am transfixed… But the broom is waiting! This morning, we unloaded a full lorry of cement at the workshop. Then I went to make cuttings and to plant seedlings for wind-breaks. Toine has returned from Madras with good news: the company is giving us a new motor; he talks at length, shares his observations, assessments; I like his dedication – and am thankful for it! In the night I had for the first time a long, detailed, vivid dream in which I experienced all the states and emotions I would go through if C.E decided to leave… That put me in a questioning mood! Is that a preparation for the fact, or is it a venting of a possibility on a subtle plane, a working out of this specific route? It makes me appreciate in yet another way the validity of surrender… *10-9-1979, Auroville: We almost avoid each other, this morning. C.E has slept alone downstairs. At work Jacq sees at once that something is wrong with me; I tell her a little about C.E and me; she says she has seen it and that for her and Kiran it has also been tough these last few weeks, to the point that they have considered separation… *11-9-1979, Auroville: C.E is thinking of going away. His brother has sent him an offer – like a full carpet unrolled and laid out for him –of a plane ticket, a flat in Nice, another in Montreal with Patti, his ex-wife and a trip to Dakar as per an old wish of his…! I guess it may not be easy for him to know what he must do… Beyond all the personal aspects, I know and trust this: the Lord has sent C.E here, has made us meet. He has opened us to each other, and now He is changing it, taking each of us another step and He alone knows what it means and where it leads.