journal d'une transition

239

Tonight I see the yearning to have his hand in mine, the tenderness of our bond, and I see the pain of not having it, and I am quiet… I know that one must be taken into a state that is free from petty withdrawal, free from pain and attachment, from calculation and demand and claim, free for ever and growing in delight… Yet, as it happens, most of me has a movement of recoil…!

*12-9-1979, Auroville: The light is a wonder, one drinks it from deep within, like an airy honey, regenerating; all the plants answer it with a budding life and radiance…

*13-9-1979, Auroville: Early this morning Al.M came to talk to P.G and me; he has to wait and sits quietly reading « Savitri » while we prepare and I go and call P.G; the 4 of us sit for breakfast then. He has come, on behalf of “Aspiration”, to convey the “strong feeling” they all share there that Kiran must be asked to leave, that she is a danger to us all. He has been sent as he knows us well and “trusts” us… C.E. is quietly welcoming but soon leaves to go to work; P.G talks straight and simple, we both try to express plainly what our experience has been… At work I tell Jacq about it; she just has had a long bout of fever; she feels that Kiran is being led from within to cut her ties with her family, gradually… We spend the morning unloading trailer loads of crushed stones in full sun. At one point the carpenters try to enter our team-work, in a manner which is all wrong; I have to remind them that this is not their work, but G.M wants to take it further and it becomes a little ugly; they are obviously obeying some instructions… At noon, I go to them alone and ask them whether they would agree to meet quietly later; they seem to be happy about it. On my way home, I wonder: what shall I tell them? I have no idea! I can’t help seeing several different sides to this issue, and it makes me giddy! … Before 5 pm I reach the tea-room where they are waiting for me, along with Dharman: Narayana has agreed to help me with some translation, as this talk must be clear and explicit. I dive into it: I speak about the experience of Auroville and how their recent behaviour and position is unacceptable; I suggest that it is up to each of them to consider what he must do, without yielding to peer-pressure or other influences; I ell them of my respect for each of them and for their work… They listen with a grave attention… Then they tell me that, back in 1968, they had all promised to God, to You, that they would work for Matrimandir until it was completed, whatever they would have to endure through it, it was their oath… I understand this and they know that I do. But then it becomes a little tricky for me as they proceed to ask me to be the one who would give them instructions from now on, as a “friend”… I have to remind them that I have only come to them as an individual and that to remain at Matrimandir was necessarily going to require from each person the will to adjust to changing conditions as well as to change oneself, to make individual choices and steps, and that it may well take many years… We leave it at that… I don’t know what I can do, but I certainly respect their oath and I also feel that You have accepted it. So often during the past years I have had this impression, working with them, of having worked thus in other times, at the building of temples; and even, with some of them, as of memories of more recent times, such as the period preceding the French Revolution…