journal d'une transition

240

… C.E and I take our dinners separately these days; I go and do the work at the Kitchen by myself. There is now this formation between us of my exerting a dominating influence; I didn’t know this could happen with C.E: I had been giving myself unreservedly and I had trusted this was the best safeguard against that kind of imbalance; and yet he now sees me as the obstacle in the path of his freedom… I shouldn’t resent it, I should just keep quiet! … I meditate on the issue of the carpenters… I mustn’t fear others’ judgements or incomprehension. Auroville has to include. A real change cannot be exclusive… There is the truth of their commitment, and there is the falsity of their human ways, just like anyone of us! There is a supreme meaning and purpose in the presence of all these elements here, and a Grace that keeps it all together in a movement of continuous change, with the least possible damage… I just know that I must never fear… *16-9-1979, Auroville: This trepidation spreads from my solar plexus out trough my nerves into the upper part of my body, like something alien and disturbing which my whole system yearns to have plucked away. But I don’t know how to pray, how to offer… It has been almost two full days like that! … Only when one has become perceptive of the whole, in the whole, materially as well, is one beyond disorder… What are we doing? It feels so ridiculous, mutely pecking on each other… and “mine” and “yours” and being close to the Divine and what not…! I am upset at both of us, at the situation we create; I want to break it, to shake it and see what comes out of it… I want to roar about! But I fear to be frank! But then I get to tease C.E, on our “nice sadhana” and all the good points he must be accumulating, and yet all the walls will not be enough to set one free! He remains quiet: perhaps he feels compassion for me? … Mangini comes in to complain he’s been beaten up by Narayana! Another blow-up ahead for me! And at work it is a mess, Bhavani and Narayana go on yelling throughout the morning, accusing me of favouring Mangini, of worshipping Kiran, of playing politics… Jacq gets her share as well! G.M tries to calm Bhavani but she takes it out on him… Every movement one does is interpreted, used, there seems to be no way out… At noon I try to talk to C.E again? Can’t we find again our joy to be together? I am tired of his measuring his own progress against me, using me as a reference for his own autonomy… But what is best? I don’t know! … P.G shows me a circular that was passed around about Joss being asked to leave “Certitude”; he also tells me about M.Kl using Auroville money for his own purposes… tricks and twists and warps… He is all set for war again, but it only makes things appear disproportionate, like a clown does! … Worries assail me. There is no harmony, no organisation, no trust… And with C.E, I am snared in a formation and the more I move the more it tightens: that this is “my” place and the relationship has been set on “my” terms and, for him to fulfil himself, he must be rejected by me… *17-9-1979, Auroville: Wind and rain, wind and rain, gusts of it…