journal d'une transition

241

*18-9-1979, Auroville: C.E went alone to Pondy for the day. I felt miserable at first. But in the afternoon I began to recover and quietened, bathed in the magic of the September light, the graceful harmony of here – the house and the trees and the soft presence of Nat, Rad and Yel tending the garden with me… This evening P.G came in to talk and share: he says he has realised he was not being true to himself when he did not respond to a deep instinct in him to fight out the falsity that is still around – and he means by this the presence of SSJ, of the takers of “Prosperity”, of the carpenters’ position… - and that he now felt liberated from a false humility and a dangerous unclarity; and that he would ask me and Jacq, and our little group, to do it together… I can perceive to some extent what seems to be guiding him and I wish to trust him and I can also see, in that perspective, what remains in me of fears, of desires to preserve old alliances… We are still talking when suddenly Rakhal arrives, with L…! I had been told of her coming to Auroville and apprehended meeting her, the throw back to the past, to old identities, to the narrowness of it… Tonight, C.E and I try and talk, for long; he has gone to enquire about flights to Europe as, he says, where else could he go if he leaves this house… I keep feeling we are missing something and we go on instead misunderstanding each other, not finding our base… I wish I could sincerely say “it is in Your hands!”, but I still have a will of my own! We actually seem to be undergoing almost opposite processes: while he needs to find his own individuality as defined against mine, I seek to be released from the limits of a well-developed “ego-creation”! *19-9-1979, Auroville: At work, it all starts unravelling. G.M enters into a direct conflict with the carpenters, because he wants to do all the work without them. So I go to them and tell them it is not going to ease unless they decide to cut their connection, through money, to SSJ and the SAS; and then it comes out, what all was behind, the arguments they have been fed, the promises that were made to them, the support they have been told would be there, the violence they were meant to provoke, so as to call upon “dozens of paid men”… Seeing the hatred in their eyes, I feel it is lancing a boil, a necessary process of purification – and that our past insincerity is to blame for allowing such a situation to form and fester. Yet one is also very much aware of the necessity not to get caught in the vibration of violence… … I believe that, to accept an absolute of enmity or adversity is to become its victim and to loose the battle that was to be fought; I believe that battles, in themselves, that enemies, or adversaries, are illusions, the outcomes of the condition of our consciousness, divided and limited still… This is not easy. How far shall we be helped? I have no certitude as to whether we are “right” or “wrong”; I just know we are obeying a need, which is not personal, for transparency, for a clear unity of aspiration…

*20-9-1979, Auroville: Early this morning, Yus comes: a full van of police has come to his and Piero’s house at 2 am in the night, called in by the SAS to “keep law and order at