journal d'une transition

252

see that he takes my impatience as another egoistic pressure on him, a claim… So I write it all down as clearly and briefly as I can and leave it by his bed… … Mid-morning Valya, the sub-Collector, and the DSP come to meet us at the office. Valya tells us he wishes we had informed him before our little “action”, as he himself has several times prevented the SAS from coming “en masse”; we explain ourselves as best we can and tell him that we have come to respect him and we appreciate his position and his concerns, but that this situation simply has to evolve and the issue must be faced… Finally we agree that another place, away from the working-area, where a few carpenters can come and sit, will be found… … I drive to Pondy to do all the “Deepawali” shopping and to get the medicines for Ar I stay a moment at the Samadhi and put my questions… And the impression I get is that it is better that C.E and I part; and that, regarding the more general matters, I am learning from the process… Back home in the evening, the signs are that C.E has come to the conclusion he has to leave the house: he tells me later that he finds it a natural evolution; I understand, with an inner sadness; that he perhaps has never given as much value to our bond as I have, almost as if it had all been in spite of him. I understand too that my own experience of it overwhelming, the gifts I received through our relationship, the answer it gave to my own needs, the force of it all perhaps made him to share in it, but it was never founded in him in the same way… And out of my fear of loosing him, I have blindly held on; and now that it is being undone, I am aware of a relief from a line of progression that was not central enough… *20-10-1979, Auroville: I remember a little sentence You once wrote to Huta: “It is the Lord who gives the friendships; it is the Lord who takes them back…” C.E has moved to V’s house – she has been staying in Pondy for some time –and he says he will only move to the Camp if she insists that she wants to move back in. There is sorrow in me, but there is also an ease, and the sense of a new stage in our lives opening. A soft pressure has been there all day, reaching for the inner tears and deepening them, quietening, allowing me to offer… *21-10-1979, Auroville: Everyone seems to be aware of our separation. When I see it in people’s eyes, it makes it worse; the sympathy makes me feel swallowed in sadness. There is also a kind of fear: if I am now alone, it means some availability, and I am not yet able to have any contact that would be free of the possibility of desire, sexuality is so strong in me… Sometimes I feel that the only way I can ever come out of this impasse is that You would send me my “shakti”; but I only half-believe in it… Of course, supposing there is a soul close to mine, in a woman’s nature and body, beautiful, centred and awake, it could probably work things out for me…? What makes me doubt it, though, is that I have tended to identify within myself the two things, as if set there, the “shakti” side too… What I must become able to do is to turn to the Lord, with real and complete sincerity, and say “Thy Will, Lord, Thy Will…!” As it is, there are still those parts in me that … keep to their different purposes!