journal d'une transition

257

Sometimes, the fact of inner awareness combined with that of my inability to “live”, makes me turn toward a condition more like that of an ocean, inhabited with a gaze – a deep, endless gaze… There is this constant struggle between the belief in linear time, the limits of physical time, its duration and the inevitability of the wasting away, and the sense of the timeless, or time-transcending power of consciousness… There is a groping for the way, the material way…

*22-11-1979, Auroville: At the PT meeting in the office, Prem reads the final version of the letter. He has “indianised” it a bit and “adjusted” it, so that it has, it seems to me, lost some of its force and charge, but the main trend is there; I guess it is alright… The SAS has been patrolling across the plateau and its people have been collecting, forcefully, whatever tools they could seize from workers hired by us to make bunds. The intent is obvious: to provoke a physical response, so that they would have more leverage… *24-11-1979, Auroville: Yesterday Rakhal has brought a very large photograph of Sri Aurobindo that has been placed in the office. It goes on raining and no work is possible on the structure. … It seems to be a fact that human stuff; left to itself, will never aspire to anything else; it is satisfied with routine, with small greeds and small needs and a small use of little energy; it needs shocks, it needs pressure, it needs adversity… *25-11-1979, Auroville: … Sunday, near the fire; wind-lashed rains; Krishna comes, Ramalingam comes… P.G tells me that the “Aspiration” people have refused to sign the letter, saying it is not the time to issue such a statement, one must rather wait till another Government comes into power… *27-11-1979, Auroville: I had three consecutive nightmares last night. In the first one V sexually assaulted me and, once satisfied, began to sing like a sort of sick child, weird… In the second one, I was trying to help Shradhalu to come out of his negative condition and he was responding for a while; but then I made a gesture which released an energy that had been hidden… And this turns into the last and most striking “dream”: this energy takes on the form of a monstrous insect spreading itself huge, made of so many jaws with metallic-like teeth all over its body, moving at a very high speed and breaking down the nervous system… And, as it comes to me, I realise it is… H! This comes from H…! And the shock of it wakes me up…! This last is very puzzling. Is it connected to tantrism?