journal d'une transition

258

I am sure that I have never associated H, in my mind, with any such ugly entity; and I have not thought or even heard of him for quite some time. What then is all this? I did the watch for the second part of the night; it rained much of the time… In the morning I have a heavy scene with Piero: he refuses to give the drawings I had asked him for the work of the new carpenter, Vellapani, and insists that we must keep to the casting work so as to use up all the cement as per his applications; that we must make it look as if we have used the cement exactly the way we declared we would. When I say that I believe it is always better to tell the truth and to hide nothing from anyone, whatever the consequences may be (and there is nothing to hide, we are here to build Auroville and must take care of everything), he gets very upset… … Noh is sad and tired and has only served some bread and jam for lunch; she complains of the lack of participation. I suggest to her to simplify and not to depend V is staying in the house for a few days; she behaves as if she knows that her place is here with me, but will not press for it… Yet I do not have that sense, not now, or not yet… P.G comes and we talk more about the collective matters; I represent to him the sense of initiating services – for instance, that permits for cement should be sought on the basis of a service for all the works… *28-11-1979, Auroville: I have this question to You – it has been there for long and surges up now and then; I can formulate it approximately: “What is really possible, in this the Lord’s world, as a relationship with You…? How can all of us and each of us at the same time have a true and unique relationship with You, each of us uniquely and all of us harmoniously, AT THE SAME TIME? Is this not beyond the reach of physical possibility? Is this not partly the reason why You had to withdraw?”… These are questions behind questions… With it I kneel at the Samadhi. And this is what I feel: the first thing is to be related strongly, firmly and unwaveringly, to the Force… And then, once that base is established, there would be moments given when physical contact could be expressed, in plenitude, with the absoluteness of the relationship. And thus the true hierarchy would occur naturally, each one being guided and moved by the rhythm and breath of the Force… In It is the intensity of That Love… And I also got the sense of how imperative it is to be rid of any sense of “I-ness”, that nothing in oneself derives any self-importance from the experience of the Force… … Today I could have several times a taste of a fullness and freedom past and beyond sexuality, freer and fuller than sexuality itself… One tends to be afraid of becoming dry and downcast, but, on the contrary, it allows for a much richer play of vibrations… so much on others… till she smiles and laughs again… This evening the air is crystal-clear and the light is a feast.

*29-11-1979, Auroville: