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anchor there and that I could love her and be with her; I even fancied that if I were
to leave the work here I’d ask her to take me in!...
John H. has come to stay with me until he gets a room in the Camp…
At night we lay down, gazing at the sky; V told me she needed a more material
expression or movement of what unites us… Then something good happened: I
took her in my arms and held her very tight and little by little as I closed my eyes
and the thoughts vanished, I started seeing You: I see that You have not left, that
You are waiting, doing something very essential, which we are not able to grasp,
because our need is so small and so poor; I feel You with the body, with the
embrace of the body, it’s like an answer to my questions… As if by holding each
other, by being body and soul only and calling for that love and presence, we could
best allow You to do Your work… This is nearly impossible to say with words… As if
by holding one another, all of us, like that, and looking at You, something would be
done!
And that all the rest is… beside the point!
*17-4-1978, Auroville:
Before 8 am I want to Matrimandir and sat alone waiting for the others, with time
to look at things, and a strange formation came to me, it said: “look, I’m getting
older, what if I don’t succeed in progressing fast enough, in entering fast enough a
true consciousness, and cannot become Yours and have a true function and a true
working-place in Your work? Then I shall be like a wanderer, a beggar, a good-for-
nothing, a burden on anyone I meet, too old to find even an ordinary place!”…
Just as the team was getting together Noh came to call us: something had
happened at Bharat Nivas, Fred, Narad and David had just been beaten up by some
villagers and it was bad… We rushed there, the police came… Some 50 villagers had
been paid by the SAS to beat us; Rakhal and Bill took pictures of the scene, with
Fred bleeding profusely, etc.
I felt nothing much, everyone was alright actually. There was some humour in it,
though, this comedy perhaps reaching an end with the SAS having done the very
thing that could drive them out of here; Fred was smiling and looking very proud…
V. told me today that she has come to the conclusion that she needs to be alone for
some time so as to find her true place here and not be drawn to an action or a role
just because I am there… It is good, I think.
But it is strange how I myself never seem to have this problem, this need not to get
influenced by someone else, as if I didn’t care!
Later, C. told me of herself and how touched and moved and disoriented she feels…
It was very pure and very deep. Such a jewel she is!
*18-4-1978, Auroville:
It seems that David had to be transported again as he kept vomiting, perhaps due
to a brain concussion; we also heard that both Ramaswamy and Prabhat have been
arrested.
I have received a sweet answer from Satprem: “La seule solution c’est d’essayer
encore et encore!”
A need in me is becoming more obvious and precise, the need to become conscious
of eternity, in the physical consciousness, in the body.