present, which doesn’t know itself – none of us know
ourselves, and when we find out it’s like having to march
uphill with a full backpack, having just to keep moving your
legs, having just to advance.
I wasn’t imagining the weariness. I felt I had been on the go
since Friday: the whole time I was doing things, agreeing
stuff with people, taking decisions, readying myself – and
not sleeping, in a fever from the need to take more
decisions, but still with a smoothness in what I was doing,
no fits and starts, although before, I know, I needed to go
flat out for things to come right. Desperation is not
strength, frenzy is not courage, not any more, although I
needed them in the past to take a step forward when I was
up to my games, but then I saw the way to live was not
bursts of heroism, not yelling, passion, hand-wringing, but
dull, everyday pressure – then life adds up.
As you slog your guts out!
I went to the shooting gallery (“We’ll be closing shortly,”
they warned with a glance at the round, glassed-in clock
face) – shooting calms you, – only today my bullets were
not accurate enough to do the job.
I guess that was it.
People are the food of the gods.