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present, which doesn’t know itself – none of us know

ourselves, and when we find out it’s like having to march

uphill with a full backpack, having just to keep moving your

legs, having just to advance.

I wasn’t imagining the weariness. I felt I had been on the go

since Friday: the whole time I was doing things, agreeing

stuff with people, taking decisions, readying myself – and

not sleeping, in a fever from the need to take more

decisions, but still with a smoothness in what I was doing,

no fits and starts, although before, I know, I needed to go

flat out for things to come right. Desperation is not

strength, frenzy is not courage, not any more, although I

needed them in the past to take a step forward when I was

up to my games, but then I saw the way to live was not

bursts of heroism, not yelling, passion, hand-wringing, but

dull, everyday pressure – then life adds up.

As you slog your guts out!

I went to the shooting gallery (“We’ll be closing shortly,”

they warned with a glance at the round, glassed-in clock

face) – shooting calms you, – only today my bullets were

not accurate enough to do the job.

I guess that was it.

People are the food of the gods.