VN May 2017

Mei/May 2017

Carien Human

People

I Mense

omething else that I am

a bit ashamed to admit,

is that I still play (and

THOROUGHLY enjoy)

Candy Crush… especially

the Soda edition. I get a real kick

out of winning a level. When I ‘fail’

and lose all my lives, I find myself

changing the time setting on my

phone so I can get more lives. The

worst part of this embarrassing saga

is that I refuse to use my awards or

boosters (for those unaware of this

wonderful time-thief: the boosters

are special ‘tools’ you get when, for

example, you play every day, or for

completing quests. These allow you

to crush some candy, without using

a move, resulting in much better

chances to win the round). Why do

I refuse to use it? Because then it

would not be a true win. It would not

prove that I was good enough at the

game if I could not win the round

without using the cheater-boosters.

Cheater-boosters? Like when you let

the child win the UNO because you

dealt him all the plus-four cards…

He didn’t really win…

While debating with myself on

whether to use the boosters or not, I

realised I do this all the time. I create a

paradox of pushing the bar up higher

and higher, because I don’t want to

feel like a failure. I want the ‘real’ win.

What on earth do I mean by this? It

is actually a little complex (allow me, I

am indeed a woman). Let us go back

to the integrity-lies story. On the one

side of the coin, if I constantly push

myself to tell everything exactly as

it is, to the last detail, then I could

probably boast that I am incredibly

authentic. If I lowered the bar a little,

my authenticity would be average.

And average is failing, right?

The other side of it is that if I set

the bar really high, and I do fail at

achieving that standard, then I can

justify it to myself in saying that I am

not a failure, since it is impossible for

anyone to be completely honest and

accurate ALL the time.

WOWZA!

I was so shocked when I realised what

was going on in my own mind and

thoughts! Right through from playing

a silly game on my phone, to the way

I relate to people and teach kids, it

was all about me, my successes and

my lack of failure. This is the

paradox – our fear of failure

often reflects as pride. We boast

in ourselves, push ourselves, tell

about ourselves, lie to ourselves,

because we fear facing that we

are fallible, imperfect, flawed,

lacking, damaged, human.

Maybe the key to winning in

the Life Stakes is to humble

ourselves, work on our failures

and accept who we are, and

that we cannot boast within

ourselves. Or maybe I am

wrong… maybe the key to

winning in life is to stop playing

games on my phone and to go

do some exercise instead.

Carien

Carien Human is a psychologist

in Johannesburg

Too high?

While I was writing about integrity, part of me felt that I was setting the bar too high for

myself. If I was really vulnerable and open, I should admit that I would love to think that

I have that level of authenticity and integrity! I played a game with a young boy in my

practice. He tells lies to stay out of trouble. We challenged each other – one week with

no lies. So, during the week, I was so aware of the fact that we ‘adjust’ information.

For example: The fish in the story is just ‘slightly’ bigger, the traffic ‘slightly’ worse, the

mistakes ‘slightly’ more justified. What was intended to challenge him, challenged me!