with Sri Ganesh

Parthy, I realized later, did not understand much of the talk I had with the doctors but what came clear to him was that he was officially confirmed well on the way to full recovery – 90 % was the figure they mentioned – and as this came from the very people who had physically brought him back to his life and his body, it had all the weight and substance he needed and he was quite elated. But I found him also, almost suddenly, as if separated from me and quite unaware of how much I had been holding him… I felt that he was somehow preparing to move away and back to his family and I suddenly could not figure how he placed me in his life… I was confronted with disparities that I experienced as deep chasms opening before me; it seemed now that I had let myself into a very complex trap. By going thus all the way to hold him, to fight for him, to nurse him back, to care so entirely for him and to be tending to his every need, I had also put myself and my own needs at his mercy, that is, at the mercy of his actual understanding, actual affection, actual capacity to care, actual awareness… On the other hand and simultaneously, we were so deeply bound, no matter what happened on the surface or in our external beings that I could not pull out – he depended on me still for the maturing of his orientations and even simply for his safety… In the days that followed our trip to Chennai, I became overly susceptible to any sort of distancing or veil between us and easily upset at any sign of carelessness or self-serving concerns in him, and it caused more misunderstandings between us as he felt more hurt, like a child by the sudden and unexplained ire of a parent… On the 19 th he moved out and back to his family home – he found me too angry at his mistakes and he felt he was now a constant disturbance for me and he had to see to his family, now that he was better, as they needed him: all these reasons were there… I was like a taut string – the intensity of the entire experience, of having lived to such degree the actual strength of care, of “love”, and the delight of having someone I could truly cherish staying here with me after so many years of solitude and of not finding that equation with anyone…: I was in a distress I could do nothing to hide or cover or dismiss…! I found the way, eventually, when we both could talk quietly again, to make him see and feel that he could now very well say to everyone that he would share his life between the two homes, that to be here

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