journal d'une transition

204

When Patricia sees Miriam approaching, she has this instinctive reaction of coming closer to me, which, kind of egoistically, I enjoy: even though Patricia and I do not live together, we are a couple in the sense that our work and daily sharing is important to either of us and precious, and I like her to show her care in these ways sometimes… Tomorrow she is to go to Delhi again… *18-5-1979, Auroville: La Grâce et la gratitude sont les deux mains qui me conduisent pas à pas… Mother, You give me ceaselessly, ceaselessly, You are my divine Mother! I drove to Pondy to pick up Miriam and took her over to “Far Beach”, to the little house she will be staying in for a while, helped her settle her things, and fixed the hand-pump for her with the help of Judith’s worker. A sweet little kid, Aurore and Volcan’s son named “Pavitra”, followed me everywhere, so tender… With Miriam I am at rest; it is not superficial, there is no rush, no eagerness, but a deep ease, a sense that it can all happen in its own time, with respect. I discover her more and more, and the truth in her beauty, and I can taste her without reservations… *21-5-1979, Auroville; Patricia hasn’t been able yet to go to Delhi, all the trains have been cancelled for several days, and the whole country seems to be in a sort of chaos. Yesterday I had not gone to Miriam because of C.E’s reaction, not wanting to hurt him in anyway or to endanger our relationship; I went this afternoon and stayed with her; we both went through many states: at first there was a certain dissociation, I couldn’t feel supported either from within or from above, but I kept quiet and tried to offer it; I also had this impression as if I had remained inwardly besides C.E, here at home… We drove to town for her shopping; we went to the Samadhi for a moment, and there I felt like a child full of tenderness for everyone and for everything… Back at the beach, there was in me a yearning for the deeper presence and toward her spirit; she at times was happy and amazed, at times frightened, shy and humble and then angry, revolted, then again perplexed and anxious; and then she was open… For long I was deprived of desire, that energy couldn’t enter; I had only tenderness and a longing for balance for her, for me, for the meeting itself; we both learnt… Later, at the beginning of the night, we actually met; it was brief, almost unexpected and it was like a stepping-stone. Further into the night we met again: this time I wanted her to be fulfilled and that only a sweet memory would remain, a gift that would be in her heart like a smile and a token of her own spirit and growth. She felt that I knew her. It was very late when we finally slept and I had a dream of having to fight some beings to deliver her, to bring her back to freedom and her own self and rhythm, and I did it… I woke up when the moon rose from the sea; and, later, at the point of dawn… And all the time I also remained with C.E…

*23-5-1979, Auroville: Today is D.M’s birthday; we give Larry our gifts for her…

E.B has prepared dinner for us at her place. I visit Krishna too, before we move, C.E and I, to Piero’s to stay the night on “special watch-duty” (there have been thefts and attacks).