journal d'une transition

205

*24-5-1979, Auroville; This evening E.B arrived here with two garlands of jasmine for me. She tells me she has met Miriam in Pondy and how lovely and beautiful she is and how for the first time she is not jealous as she finds this is a woman level with me… In the midst of this talk something gets cleared which had remained like a painful mystery to me all these years: why and how E.B had returned to me while I was still in France, leaving the Ashram, leaving You, supposedly with Your blessings; the facts appeared today only: Nata had mixed up two letters I had written to You in his care, about having a child with A.F, who was pregnant; he had got confused and told E.B right away that I wanted her to come back to me and give me a child…! And she had only been too happy to take it as an encouragement for the very thing she had sought. She must have known, though, that it couldn’t be true and yet she never spoke to me about it till today. And the facts are also that You never saw my letters about this and that the “Blessings” were procured by Nata himself…! Oh! What useless sufferings our human interference must have created around You, Mother! *1-6-1979, Auroville: These are times when, in the life You give us here, we reach such high notes of a singing tenderness that flows all over, a sweetness, a tranquil dance… Isn’t that the real sense of being human and individuals…? … As we finish eating, Amma comes in with a little girl; she has brought some sweets which she has kept for me as “Prasad” from a special puja. I serve her and the little girl and give her the incense and things she needs for her daily offerings; then she sings, she sings to You, to Kali, to Krishna and Radha, and Miriam goes and sits nearest to her, puts her hands in hers and Amma concentrates in her and blesses her… *4-6-1979, Auroville: In the afternoon I took Miriam back to “Golconde”. Both the “Imagination” and the “Realisation” trees are in full bloom and I take many photographs, and of Miriam too, happy, open, given, simple; we both feel content and gently fulfilled in our relationship. We agree to meet by the sea at 6 pm and I ask her to wear her red dress and put up her hair the way I like it best… She enjoys it, to prepare herself thus… But it is when I come out of the Ashram, later, that I meet her again, by the gate: she is ravishing, nothing vulgar, nothing too elaborate, just the joy of her lovely feminity; we walk to the shore, go over the boulders and sit in the wind; I give her a long garland of fresh jasmine and I take many pictures of her and watch her and drink her, assimilating her gift and giving myself to her. She wants either to postpone again her departure or to come back soon and stay longer… But it is a good thing for us to part for a few days anyway; each of us needs to rest now… *6-6-1979, Auroville: Early this afternoon Al.B and Chr came to bring us our copies of the Agenda that have just come; Jacq is with them and we make a happy group here, until it is time to go and attend the general meeting at “Unity” office. News has come that the trustees of “Auromitra” and Kireet particularly, have now agreed to our proposal for