journal d'une transition

206

the channelling of the funds for Matrimandir. Then, P.P brings up the topic of listing those of us who are ready to ask for the Indian nationality… At once I feel uneasy, not about the thing itself – I have thought of it many times – but about the nature of the pressure being exerted by implication; it makes my hair stand and I soon leave… I don’t know where to go; I walk toward the Banyan tree and there I see that a “meditation” is going on: the trio – SSJ, Shradhavan and Th – are sitting facing the tree, emanating such a self-regard for their “true spiritual attitude”… I don’t know! All these gaps in the fabric, all these factions… I’d rather be at home reading the Agenda…! … Toi! Je comprends mieux pourquoi c’est vraiment à partir de 1962 que je Te reconnais entièrement, totalement, à jamais…! … Miriam comes home in the evening. She says that in the Ashram she is loosing support for coming so much to Auroville… She takes it with quiet lucidity… … Yesterday a police van came to “Fraternity” to arrest Dany, who has a Quit- Order; he somehow was able to run and hide. No clear information has been issued as to the actual reason fro this Order, only contradictory or vague statements, whether in Madras or here… Miriam says that she had heard it in Pondy that this might happen…! *10-6-1979, Auroville: The moon is full tonight and C.E has decided to stay near Matrimandir. Miriam returns here and we meet throughout the night. And again, in this meeting, I experience like a condensed sense – scent, touch, texture, impression, and atmosphere – of being American Indian; this has been there since we first met… I want and need to be very honest about all this, but there IS something to it, as there is something also to the feeling she has that I know her, I know how to touch her, as if I had touched her already in some past, deeply. Yet I do not so far experience the security of the spirit that I know with C.E, that inner support that helps each one to grow, go through and progress, and become dearer too… This kind of almost physical memory of… other times… has been pressing like a mass, of all the lines one has followed through the different lives, and how it is present and surrounding one – a subtle environment -; but also how it is best, probably, to remain ignorant of it so as to genuinely reach for a new balance in this life…

*11-6-1979, Auroville: The news is not good: SSJ has not accepted; games are being played. And in “Aspiration” they now have a stand against the whole thing… Better to laugh!

*12-6-1979, Auroville: Miriam has to go back to Pondy; I drive her down. I do not know what she must do; there is this pressure on me that I should feel one way or another whether she must stay or she must return to the US, but I can’t… I only pray she is guided to do the truer thing for herself and given the exact means to develop; that is what I can ask and pray for. I learn to trust her as she learns to obey what in her makes her so open to me… Is she “my woman”? I don’t know. I only know I have never behaved this way with any other woman I have known; I am also afraid, despite of me, that she may grow attached, when I do not know how far we are to go together… But I am grateful for the gift of her and I believe it is in Your hands…