journal d'une transition

207

… Driving back up the hill in the evening light I find Vivek, walking down, his bag on his shoulder, leaving Auroville… And there is that move fusing, which rises from the Presence within, always ready to manifest when there is an opening… … Back home, C.E says that Al.B had come to bid his farewell; he and Patricia are going to Delhi tomorrow, perhaps for two weeks… *23-6-1979, Auroville: At home it is a delight, and I am filled with gratitude; but at work, it goes off, there is a depressive atmosphere catching; P.G keeps talking all morning with H, G, Chr and I feel as if crushed by a wave of decomposing energy running through my body, as if nothing held any longer and there was no continuity: as if on the edge of some liquefaction, of a negative abandon to which the body resists, afraid of where it would lead…? I can only do one thing, keep very quiet and cling to a sort of physical faith in equilibrium… … At noon Piero arrives with the disheartening news that D.S, Ruud and Th have gone to SSJ and agreed with him to work with the SAS again, rejecting, and despising “Auromitra”… So, once more, we’re stuck all round… Piero seems to expect that I will help to “take a decision”, but all this feels too relative, too unreal and I don’t know what we are meant to do, in truth; I need to be shown, not with the mind wanting to “solve” but directly, the movement You require, the true perception… There is a kind of rot… There is lying… I want to be awake! When I return home to C.E, I feel at once relieved, there is a smile again; we talk quietly, sharing… … Late this afternoon, P.G came: he has discovered that several newcomers at the Centre are using drugs and he wants me and R to come with him and talk to these people… I had felt the atmosphere there had degraded and become very mixed, but it seems to me it’d be simpler to write Your own statement about it and post it for a few days where everyone can see it; so we prepare a big card together… *15-6-1979, Auroville: C.E and I, on P.G’s insistence, have agreed to attend the “Envelopes” meeting this afternoon at “Abri”. (Early this morning the Guard had been called at “Sharnga” where some villagers had been ransacking and laying waste a few fields, but there was no more need for us to intervene when we reached and, rather than stand idle watching B.B’s show with his horses, we moved away and P.G started to tell us at length about the current confusion with the distribution of the monies…) So, as we sit watching and listening, I can only admire and respect P.G’s sincerity as he patiently explains his proposal in spite of the leers and jokes: he really made a friend of me today! When the practical accounting begins, we leave, as we are not qualified and have only come this once, as observers. I am aware that a complex, multi-sided and slow process is required in Auroville for things to become simpler or, rather, for simpler “solutions” to become applicable… But, for a moment, I got a painful feeling that something may have occurred, between the impulse of our present birth for this work, and the actual manifestation… as if some elements were missing, we were incomplete and the key-harmony could not pass… A strange feeling, almost a sense of crippled ness…