journal d'une transition

208

… On our way back, riding our cycles, I was watching C.E for a moment, his body- movements, and I felt something painful too: that he somehow is not blooming, is still unopened; and that, perhaps, I am not helping him to come forth, or else I am over-protecting him… This comes to me with some gravity and at that instant I am ready, for his sake, to completely change my attitude if need be, when suddenly, as we have stopped by the Guest-House, he turns to me and hugs and kisses me, right there, and my question is erased…! *16-6-1979, Auroville: I had, while reading the Agenda, this experience: I was just reading Your description of when You had found out they had constructed a new balcony for You to appear and be seen, and I had Your full Darshan! I saw You, as You were that very day, just NOW! I was there! Absolutely You, Your Presence, Your Darshan, for perhaps one or two seconds… I experienced it completely! O Mother, the sheer ecstasy of seeing You move in Your body, Mother…! … We take a long walk, at a good pace, close to each other and quiet; there is an intense alternance of a downward and decomposing pull with a gathering movement forward, en energy to break through and become more conscious… … At night-watch Piero tells me of Ruud, Th and Toine’s intention to form a parallel bureau of administration… I see actually no way of persisting in refusing money meant for Matrimandir under the pretext of an inner refusal of what the SAS represents: this money belongs to You! What we must refuse is the influence, the claims and the power game, with precision and clarity in our own movements, so that these people do not bring in again their idiotic cult and their lies… *17-6-1979, Auroville: Miriam has come back. She entered, her face a big radiant smile, and threw a garland of jasmine on me and moved into my arms and we remained very quiet and I knew at that moment, without words, thoughts or sentiments, that this was a natural thing and that she was truly happy… Later she tells me all that has happened to her; how Udar got upset and jealous; how she had a long talk with Madhav Pandit about me! That he said that, whenever Pourna or André tried to speak ill to You about me, You pretended not to know who they were talking about because You loved me… and that I was united in consciousness with Matrimandir…! What a tender gift! *18-6-1979, Auroville: Dawn lifts her flames through the branches, a gorgeous breath, a liquid fire… I feed the cat and the pigeons, clean the vases, C.E sweeps; Miriam helps me to arrange the flowers… I want to sing, to be free, that only tenderness and progress run through me and between us, filling each and every moment, tenderness and response… … About 20 of us are in the office. The issue is: are we going to accept materials purchased by SSJ with the money that came through the SAS toward Matrimandir? I want to remain centred and free from influences and to perceive correctly; the sense I get is that there is a will to keep the SAS functioning as a channel for this impersonal energy and that we must learn to discriminate and exert our vigilance towards those whose intent is to ride it back into Auroville with their rotten claims; that we ought to try and trust those like Ruud, Th and D.S who are willing to