journal d'une transition

209

attempt this, while being ready to stop it if we find they get trapped… But this “position”, although it is shared by several of us – P.G, Jacq, and Narad – is misunderstood by both the sides! One side appears a little too eager and pleased with it; there is no transparency there! And the other side takes it as a betrayal! And I cannot help but finding both rather opportunistic! So, we ask everybody to keep quiet for a few days, not to take any step, and not to go ahead with the purchase of the steel from the Bharat Nivas stock as this deal appears now to be double-edged, connected as it is to some debt from the SAS to the Government… … In the general meeting at “Tapoloka” this afternoon, Piero seeks to present himself, he who has repeatedly tried to broker some agreement with SSJ and the SAS on his own, as a martyr and us – Jacq, P.G and I – as the traitors… This leaves us so stunned that we don’t even try to explain… But the people of “Aspiration” insist to know, that we must speak up… They say then that they will all come to Matrimandir…! I remind them that it is not enough to come in order to reject, to say “no”, that the situation is too complex and demands perseverance and a steady commitment; and this time they seem to take it very seriously… *20-6-1979, Auroville: This afternoon Ruud, Th, red P and Narayana came to see me here at home; their vibration is open, simple and direct. They tell me that they have searched in themselves for the cause of a lack of joy in the work, a heaviness in the atmosphere, and realised that they actually had no real adhesion to this new phase of the construction – the casting and erection of the RCC space frame – and would have preferred to go for Roger A’s design of a light tubular frame-work. They tell me further that, since our last meeting where we, Jacq, P.G and I, had shown some trust in them, they now felt freer to express themselves and communicate their feelings and their views… Of course, unity among us brings receptivity to Your atmosphere and Your workings and we have to find the joy to go forward together… But, You know, the discs in Roger A’s design, those fancy, showy things that don’t last, that rust and wear out…?! We need quality! *21-6-1979, Auroville: … So often I find myself agreeing with everyone, every point of view expressed, and yet fully agreeing with none and no one. There is a yearning to be freed from opinions, all these opinions and “sides”, this faulty mental logic, and to follow a thread into Matter, or through Matter, or with Matter, sensing an awareness there that the mind, nor the feeling, cannot ever even approximate. But in this present collective condition, one cannot give oneself to that, because there is the necessity to “communicate”, to share in the movement of progress, and we are not able to do so without the mind yet – and so, through the mind, things become inevitably opposed, contradictory, mutually exclusive, and the reality is veiled…

*22-6-1979, Auroville: I feel so poor, insufficient, small and limited, so entangled in the general confusion and inertia, nailed, suffocating… I am sitting near C.E after our nap, a bit lost, grey like the sky, untidy like the air today, messed-up like the garden and the leaky