journal d'une transition

214

find myself more alert and composed, there is much less inertia, it is interesting; I wouldn’t have been able to maintain that as a willed discipline, it just happened through the circumstances and relationships…

*7-7-1979, Auroville: My dependency on C.E, on our relationship, is frightening. It seems the more I go the more vital, the more important it becomes: when it flows well I can be forward and available to others, and when it is obstructed I feel torn, pulled apart… There is fatigue too, an accumulation of it… There is the after-shock of the last general meeting, the foreignness of the positions expressed, and a kind of alienation I feel since then… And there is now the abrupt realisation of the changes age has worked in FJ and Ch… I am a bit lost today…! And at work it must show, they all see my condition and gently tease me and hold and hug me, it is so comforting… Yet I need to go for a while up in the Chamber, and be by myself and let the tears out… The pain is there. And that sense of “better to kill myself” again… What was said, that “Your Force had withdrawn” from Matrimandir, has shaken me… My capacity is so limited…! I seem to be touching my limits – the shell of the egg? But it is not a “finished” or complete organism that wants to burst out, it is a tentative awareness that needs to receive more, to grow beyond the shell… It is FJ’s birthday to day… We all spend the afternoon together and Al.B and P.G and E.B come and the dialogue opens up with FJ, for which he has come… In the evening I take him alone to Matrimandir… *8-7-1979, Auroville: I realise it is really up to me to clarify this situation. I call Miriam, while the others are resting, early afternoon; we sit very close together; I tell her that I find it is better for each of us at this point not to insist on living together, that each needs a distance and that we shall see later what is best and most meaningful; the talk is honest, loving and respectful, there is no bitterness. But to me this is all a mystery: in physical life one can only be engaged in one thing at a time and this is in contradiction with the inner truth and freedom; it forces one to “choose”, that is, to reject, and this can never be right! … This evening, a little shyly, with all his heart, FJ tells me how well and content he is to be here…! The thief, or as it appears the paid-killer, jumped over the courtyard wall, entered their room and started immediately to hit Piero with a steel bar; Gl awoke and blindly jumped and lunged for the man and Piero rallied and managed to kick the man with both his legs and the man ran away, in the dark. Piero has a broken jaw, one cheek wounded open and the teeth loosened, and a broken arm; Gl has been wounded in the face and one shoulder, they are both in the hospital. At first I can’t feel, I can’t see. There has been some deep unease lately, but where and how does this connect? Jacq, Kiran and I drive over to Jipmer. Piero is able to speak slowly, he will have to be operated on, perhaps this coming Friday, his jaws will have to be wired for *10-7-1979, Auroville: Last night Piero and Gl were attacked in their house.