journal d'une transition

629

*21-4-1986, Auroville: I have made a failure of trying to discipline myself today! And now I am completely lost; I don’t know which way to turn, what to try… … As John H put it, at dinner today, to be useful is to do Your Work! He certainly does! As for me, I am not optimistic as to where I stand in relation to this truth… Perhaps I may do Your Work ten minutes a day, when I am collected and centred at “Ravena”; that is all it requires at present; and that means that for almost 24 hours I am nowhere; and I realise there is nothing and no one to blame but my own ego! I also realise, with a growing shame, that Truth IS Joy; necessarily so; and it follows therefore that I cannot be aware of Truth, since I am rather effectively shut against Joy! I am in the condition of one who drags himself on and on, without the least sense of being rooted in the Flow, of having an origin in Joy; everything under the immediate surface comes to the same for me: there is a sort of utter indifference, deep down… I do not know; no words fit. I just wish You would give a work to do, whatever it may be. I am unable to get rid of the ego without You. Only You can do it. … I have finished reading “Om”, by Talbot Mundy: a nice story of wisdom; it touches and moves me, but leaves me all the more irresolute; it is as if, somewhere, I feel as old as the world. And, without You to gaze at, without You to follow into a density of Presence, I feel like an endless, interminable waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Just enduring the obligation to live, to exist. And clinging to shreds of beauty, of harmony, physical harmony, so that it is bearable… One, that there is in me, or I truly am, or I exist by and from, a true force of manifestation; by its very nature, it wants to manifest; but this want, until I am freed from the ego, creates problems, because first one must discern what must not be manifested (and that takes time), and then one must become aware of what truly needs to be manifested now (and that too takes time) and be integrally surrendered to it… And I can trace that issue all through my life, at all levels. And then there is the second thing: what is truly my aspiration to, for, or toward? What is it that triggers it, or fires it, or sustains it, or calls it? For I have no motivation, and no aspiration really towards anything, except for One thing…: This whole world, the whole experience of it, the whole becoming of it, the entire range and gradation of realities it gives access to, ultimately make no sense whatsoever unless there is an opening, in Matter itself, directly to the Supreme – and if this is, as I feel and believe, the way You have come to open, Mother…! And then all the rest becomes quite secondary, and almost irrelevant; whether it leads to being, to love, to unity, or to something else, matters little…! Because, from that “point” on, it is the Supreme who is present and conscious, and whether from this side we can, or not, mark any number of His attributes, makes little difference, after all…! But putting those two things together, alas, does not make this present life valid in itself. For, the passage between this present state and That One seems so obviously to require an impossibly long process (long in terms of a human life) of… what… undoing, burning away, melting, dissolving, without death, that, to live the *22-4-1986, Auroville: I have been looking and looking, and it seems to me that I can formulate two things.