journal d'une transition

646

*30-5-1986, Auroville: Last night, in one of my “activities”, I was driving a sort of spaceship over the land of another living planet, abandoned or uninhabited; there were problems of survival there, and with a few others we must first begin to cut down some trees that have gone crazy and lost their balance; water was there too, but a different kind of water… … Tonight over dinner at the Kitchen, Ar. tells me something which she has known for some time, and that is that Diane is now living with Sylvain, and these news made me rather happier; he is one of the very few French men, on that side of Auroville, who has retained some humanity, and I always have felt a good, spontaneous contact with him; I like him, without knowing much of him, and I have the impression that he cannot do any harm to my little one and that he will know only tenderness towards her, and she too must like him. For Diane also, I feel it is rather a sign of progress that she would appreciate and trust a man like him… *3-6-1986, Auroville: I asked Myrtle when she’d like to go for dinner, as I had promised I would take her out before she leaves for the US; but she replied in a negative and almost defensive manner, and it was puzzling… People, women mostly, are ready for anything when they feel there can be some passion, some commitment at the affective and emotional level, but they very seldom go for friendship alone, unless they have a role in it, such as confidant, or adviser, or motherly refuge… With B it has been similar; she wanted an intensity, even if it had to be only “spiritual”… But when one looks at it, it actually comes down to a sort of bargain… In this fashion, one after another every relationship seems to fall away, and none reveals itself that would be superior, or more real, or truly valid… Less and less do I experience what is called “sentiment”; there are different sorts of unease, different degrees of lightness or opacity; sometimes, rarely, there is the sense of being at home with someone; but mort of the time, I am incapable of contributing anything within those patterns, and impuissant to bring out anything truer… *4-6-1986, Auroville: A long time last night in my sleep involved with the special preparation of substance, and of light, as if before an arranged battle that is at once a discovery and a change – objects and their forms and textures and their responses to light… … I finished reading this historical novel – “the Mogul”: there are moments in it of accurate perception of the Indian conscious inner being and reality, and some interesting descriptions of those times; it made clearer to my mind what are the different lineages that have woven into the Indian psyche, with their different origins… … For this painting I am working on at the moment, I really wish I had more technique, because I am doing it for You – like the one I did about two years ago – and when there is something like that, something like a movement towards You, it is in itself fulfilling… If I would go more fully into painting, as I am sometimes inclined to, I would have to make a choice: to open to waves of inspiration, endless streams of colours, relationships, patterns and textures, and perhaps work on several paintings at once, till I develop some kind of specific stamp that would itself filter and select; or else I would have to take as a discipline only subjects, whether abstract or figurative, that carry an experience of You… Right now I wouldn’t know