journal d'une transition

647

which way to go. The main thing, or priority, would be to first unbridle myself, to get flowing, to cease being constricted about it, to quit fearing the waste of it…

*5-6-1986, Auroville: I seem to have completed the main work on that painting of Your Samadhi; I still have to inscribe Your mantra on it, on the base of the “Service tree”. Of course, I am not satisfied with it… I painted it all bare, without flowers, as I believe You would prefer it to be: it is for You only… … I have bought an interesting book, written last year by a woman from New Zealand, about the inner reality of the people called “Maori”… These days I am not able to work with the mantra, simply because there is too much resistance to the naked awareness of the Presence – not an ill-willed resistance, but more of a need to assimilate, to grow without tension… I have been wondering about that twist – real or formative, I do not know – within my heart: that thing that has made people recoil from me, distrust me, or condemn, judge and fear me. Lately I have been praying to the Lord to rid this being of that “I”, of any and every poison. I believe I now understand how this came to lodge here, and what it exactly is; but it has driven me to form defences and barriers that have then become obstacles on the way, and I need to be rid of it all now… … B sent for me, needing support: Ruud has been taken to the hospital this morning, urgently, for some paroxysm heart-trouble; he could not cope any more, his heart beats were 4 times faster than normal… *6-6-1986, Auroville: I was busy last night in a strange “study” of different sorts of death: deaths by capital punishment (all the ways of it) as opposed to “normal” deaths, normal ways to “die”… … I took B and Akash over to Jipmer Hospital to be with Ruud; the crisis seems to be over, but he is dull and as if shut to the call; yet it is working! He is a complex person, and a very likeable fellow… … All sentiments seem to be gone from my experience…! I know I must grow beyond that empty space, but for that I need to be much more purified; so, in the meantime, I feel either alien or alienated, sort of inhuman, but not at all superhuman!

*8-6-1986, Auroville: I am very impressed with this book – Keri Hulme’s “The Bone People” -, with the woman’s integrity and honesty in the telling of this moving story, of her relationship with an autistic child, and her unique ability to communicate so much substance…

*9-6-1986, Auroville: Janaka asked me to take him down to Birenda this morning, as he couldn’t function properly: he had woken up with a numb arm and weird sensations all over his body, and both D.M and he were very concerned… And later I went with B to help moving Ruud out of the Hospital; I went ahead, back to Pondy, to find some suitable lodgings so he could rest for a while in a comfortable space, and found a room at Goyle’s, and we settled him in late