journal d'une transition

680

… For me there is a strange feeling; in a sort of impersonal way I feel still committed to their offering in terms of that place, the unfinished house, and the mass of their belongings and all the traces of their struggle, of their striving and their aspiration. And I also feel, I don’t know exactly how to put it, as if not entirely welcome; it may have to do with my own hardness towards what I felt to be unreal in their approach, and this may have hurt them a bit…? This part is still unclear. And then I do feel too, very simply, that D.M is with me, in the same way, my sister and friend, asking me to help, to do, to remain close, not to let them down… *19-10-1986, Auroville: Whenever I pass Aurovilians, their eyes move away… it is only the villagers who offer naturally some warmth and sympathy…! Just now I am over-sensitive to these formations against me; for, somewhere deep – in my ego, I guess – I have accepted the possibility that whatever I touch, whomever I come close to, becomes unhappy, or goes wrong, or falls into misfortune… I can reason this out; I can move above and see it all as part of the general falsity and artificiality of things as human beings experience them. But there are those moments, such as now, when it seems to me, when I feel I could well use some understanding, some conscious understanding; or, at any rate, some sort of tenderness and trust, it is then that I am most vulnerable to those formations. And besides, I am still into a kind of battle; even in physical terms, in my own organism, there is still that disorder around the heart; and, whenever I am not centred enough, comes the sensation of a dark doom, of having been plunged into some dark, wrong, negative process; and I know that I must move out and away, inwardly, from it. I have been so close, so entirely close, to something that was really wrong, that sheltered seeds of fate and death: for it was wrong death; it wasn’t death that comes as a necessity when the soul has moved as far as it could in one given body. There was a choice. Only You could show me the absolute Supreme behind it. I need You, Mother, I need You. … I stayed here most of the day, cleaning up the house and doing the week’ laundry, and fixing myself a new necklace to hold my locket – its cord broke the day of Janaka and D.M’s passing, and I decided yesterday to take from D.M’s things those 12 tiny gold beads, along with the red leather she had offered me. I went to “Ravena” around 5 pm and stayed a while; feeling depressed and disoriented; there was sadness there. N couldn’t even smile at me. And I looked and looked, wondering what I am going to do with the whole thing… I want to complete it as their offering. But is it going to go to Auralice…? I feel I would find support if I knew for sure that this place would be utilised for Your Work, in a material sense: if there would be kept there all Your books and all Sri Aurobindo’s books and Your Agenda, and the place would be used for reading and resting in a dedicated atmosphere of quiet concentration, of opening to You through Your works and the notations of Your experiences… It seems to me that this alone would make enough sense; and with this orientation I could go on. I must speak of it with Larry (he is Auralice’s father and as such represents now the “family”) when he comes to meet me tomorrow; otherwise I do not know… It has been too much of a drama, too much of an absurd absence of guidance…!