journal d'une transition

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*20-10-1986, Auroville: Larry came and stayed for about two hours; we talked about what comes next, and how to proceed with the house, and with all the things and belongings; I told him how I felt, and he seemed to understand. Then I helped him to draft a letter to Janaka’s family, and I offered to write an account of Janaka’s illness from the beginning. … I had an early dinner alone at the Kitchen. The “white” Aurovilians feel, if anything, further away while, in a non-mental way, I find myself closer to the “Indian” population; it is a strange phenomenon: I find that they know more with their hearts, directly; the “whites” judge with their minds and then if at all, open their hearts; but it is nothing like the straight, almost un-conscious contact and smile from the Indians, which then, afterwards, may eventually get clouded over by the thought’ evaluations… … I was working on my leather necklace at home, this afternoon, when a beautiful person came, a young German man, a newcomer; he’d come for a practical reason, but the contact was good, clear and deep, and we spent a couple of hours; he stayed for supper with me. He is a man who has a peculiar realisation: he has realised the static side of the Divine behind the mind, and it is a very tangible presence in him; he exudes it and is overwhelmed by it in a quiet and steady way, and doesn’t see any point to try anything at all; he is only looking for a balanced way to go on living physically. He has a good quality of humour too, and a fine sort of inner joy; he doesn’t know why he is here in Auroville; he is reluctant towards what he senses as a shallow, compulsory invitation to some unclear work of transformation. Yet he is here; he has been driven here through odd ways, and I felt that he had in him already what could make the rest truer than it is with most people here… if only he would open to Your Grace! He was obviously surprised and happy to find this contact between us. And it made me see how much I am still sort of starving for a friend… *22-10-1986, Auroville: Besides quite a few unanswered questions, it is at the level of energies that I have most difficulty; I feel like I have been stretched and strained, over a good period of time, near to the limit, and the release has come from the wrong way: not the joyful fulfilling release, but the release of defeat, nonsense and absurdity… And whatever it was that I was aware of being taught, is now hidden behind a veil. When I look at “Ravena” feeling for a way to remain committed to its building, to the establishment of a good, open environment and harmony, I see it as a place dedicated, as D.M and Janaka saw it from their perspective, to the True, the Right, the Vast – Satyam Ritam Brihàt – and used for Your Work. I see it practically as a place of rest and concentration, in peace and harmony, where all Your writings would be kept available, and Your Agenda could be read and listened to, and there would be a feeling of being at home, without any personal colouring… I talked about this to Larry again; but he is mostly concerned about Auralice now, and he agrees to the idea as a second priority, but he doesn’t feel it; he has no experience of this place at all, nor of its inner foundations. *21-10-1986, Auroville: I seem to have spent much of last night dancing, re-adjusting and re-opening to free movement and to rhythm, to the flow of dance; and also centring, until the sense of direction was revealed anew…