journal d'une transition

699

*9-1-1987, Auroville: Psychologically (!) too, I am looking at things with a dawning understanding, which seems to be directly proportioned to my ability to truly surrender…!

*12-1-1987, Auroville: Having resumed the practice of Hatha Yoga feels good; my body is happy and comfortable with it; it feels like home. Along with the decrease in my smoking, and the opening to deeper rhythms, it feels like perhaps I may find some physical harmony again… But the physical mind is resisting… *13-1-1987, Auroville: I woke up before 6 am after another night of madly scratching my itching scalp… I still do not know what causes this; obviously, an imbalance in my system; in the day-time, my attention is drawn to whatever goes on, but in the night the body- mind just doesn’t have the will not to yield to this frantic itching… … I tried different asanas; my body is glad, and its gladness is quiet and trusting, and completely open. And I see many things: I see how much we are under the effects of vital perversions, how steeped we are in a false reality, a false physical reality… Death is often repulsive to me these days; yet I know that there should be no repulsion either… After the asanas I lay down and chose to smoke slowly one beedie, following the discipline I gave myself some days ago: not to stop entirely, but to control the number to just a few a day, till it does not matter any longer and I am free of it. … Perhaps I should write poetry again, and tell the experiences that come through poetry, in free flows and rhythms; I have a hard time writing in this journal: the grammar, its necessary rigidity, is an obstacle; by the time I manage to make a coherent sentence, it’s like the contact is gone. And yet it still feels like writing may somehow be useful, if I find the way to go on doing it, because it builds tracks into what otherwise remains a soon-forgotten multitude of fleeting or seemingly innocuous perceptions, experiences, openings, and questions… *16-1-1987, Auroville: Still I find my consciousness hovering, hesitantly, near a pivot of trust it doesn’t yet touch: some experiences are missing, or some blocks are still veiled; the fact of physical death, physical un-doing, is pressing on my awareness in different ways; some of them are, I feel, open-ended agents of growth, while others are less clear, or less evolved, or they deny the Presence… … Kenneth came; I had been told that he had decided to leave Auroville for some time, back to the US, on his own… Our friendship seems to have matured in the past year, and become an inner fact, and I was simply waiting for him to come when he would feel ready, and I had sort of understood it would be best for me not to say anything regarding his decision… He stayed all afternoon, outside on the terrace with me, and Ar. joined us later, listening quietly, as he more or less constantly talked… He feels very real to me, an evolving awareness, honest: honest to You… It may be right for him to go, I do not know, but I felt that distance would not affect our relationship, and might even make it more valid…