journal d'une transition

700

*17-1-1987, Auroville: There are these moments when I experience a kind of jubilant trust, because I seem to be grasping the very substance of the way, and there is this gratitude that wants to sing and to celebrate… And then the next moment, there is fatigue; or else, suddenly, the difficulty is there… *19-1-1987, Auroville: I am tired, drained; the problem with Ar. makes me feel that I am no good to anyone; according to her, she is unable to free herself from her attachment; whenever I try and explain to her what is needed, she says she understands mentally but she just can’t do it… So, the only way out she can see is to look for another house to live, to move away from me physically, and that in turn makes her feel terrible… I don’t know; my contribution to life, to people, seems to be all negative… … Nothing here in Auroville seems to ever emerge into more living truth; it turns in circles ever and ever, without any substantial progress or evolution… *20-1-1987, Auroville: N came back to work, late, with a funny face; there too, it is like the smallness, the misery has won; the village people have teased him and harassed him so well, it seems, that… he went under, and our friendship has become impossible; and I too have withdrawn, as I could no longer ignore his deceptions, half-lies, or his carelessness; yet I know that he suffers; and his suffering is just one more thing I can’t help: nowhere, in human relationships, am I able to contribute harmony… Nowhere am I able to open to life, in simplicity… *21-1-1987, Auroville: There has been heavy fighting in the village these last few days, and N, it seems, was involved – but perhaps not as much as some people would have me believe; yet he is been hiding from me, and this makes me sad: I can’t trust him anymore… And Larry came to me with discouraging news: a letter has come from Janaka’s sister, dismissing our concern for “Ravena”, while confirming their invitation for Auralice to come and live with them in the US… This is probably the opposite of what Janaka would have wished – he would have wanted “Ravena” to be completed and Auralice to continue developing here… But Larry… is satisfied, I guess, because Auralice is going to be well looked after. And so I remain alone with the load of that whole place, which no one wants to acknowledge for what it truly is… It was probably my mistake to trust that Janaka’s family would care enough, but to whom could I turn, practically? … I went running, this evening, after a long time, just to come out of that pit of depression… *22-1-1987, Auroville: The news that Larry gave me yesterday have eroded my confidence that some response will come, as an expression of the Lord’s care for the offering that was thus attempted… It now would appear that this will just be another unaccomplished, unfulfilled, un-reached, defeated thing… As a result, this morning, I just didn’t know what to do with myself there…