journal d'une transition

701

… I resent D.M and Janaka for having gone, and I resent Janaka’s sister and all of that world, with all its pretence at “love”; and I resent being thus part of another “waste”…

*23-1-1987, Auroville: I am battling with strange states and strange weaknesses. I don’t want to tell myself stories, but it would appear as if I am getting closer to where death, as a force, or as an agent, has its influence in the physical consciousness. It is like I am left wit no vital energies – and therefore this incredible need for sleep… *24-1-1987, Auroville: Now I have got this problem with the heart, which most of the time I take as a gift, to put me in the place where some work can be done on the physical mind to open it to true awareness; and there is this mad secretion on my scalp, which causes constant itching, and this bumpy protuberance on my forehead; and there are these haemorrhoids, and this extreme sensitivity of several nerves, particularly in the area of the lowest centre, at the base of the spine; and then there is this terrible need for sleep, and a general sense of a loss of balance, and a fatigue in my feet so odd that I want down to Pondy merely to get some of these old-fashioned wooden soles made for me; and my skin has become so sore with any change of air pressure and humidity… All of this is rather silly, and I do not worry really, but in some other way I also feel it is the expression of a little more awareness, and it gives me a little hope, and gratitude… *25-1-1987, Auroville: This morning particularly I had difficulty breathing, and it is connected with the heart; I have been wondering, because there is the part that is just attachment to form, attachment to the present physical identity – its advantages, and its qualities, and its experience in Matter; and that gets somewhat in the way of the right perception of what actually goes on about death, its processes in the body – in the bodies -, the allegiances to it, and the different roles played by will, fear, aspiration, surrender, understanding, offering, etc… And I wonder, whether it is asked of us to take position: to refuse death in the substance, in one’s substance. But that of course means firstly to become aware, concretely, of the real, of the true Matter – or, rather, of the incarnation yet to come, in Matter, past humanity… *29-1-1987, Auroville: This afternoon I tried to attend the special meeting that had been called at Matrimandir regarding the options for the final cover of the sphere; but I am too impatient of those here who do not need to look within and experience more consciously what it is all about, and to seek what is truly necessary… All this sterile talk has been going on for years, and Piero is practically a saint, to be explaining over and over again what the material implications of the different options are...