journal d'une transition

721

*8-4-1987, Auroville: Whenever the smallness of desire, of wanting, manifests, it becomes nearly impossible to conceive of any human relationship that would be devoid of this element of bargain. It says “if this one doesn’t at all give me what I need, why should I ever be interested or why should I care?”, and many other such graceful things…! … I met Larry again after the work. Ed has plainly refused to return the borrowed money; he doesn’t at all care for the house; he only cares to expand the land owned by Auroville. To me this is plain dishonesty: only it is worse than in the ordinary world because it hides behind “new reasons”; I have no more respect for these people; and I wonder what it is that Auroville does to individuals: sectarianism, clubism, territorialism and complicity of interests, all under the banner of human unity and ecology… What all the experience of “Ravena” has shown me isn’t pretty. … I am to go and meet Larry tonight, so we can try and figure how to proceed. He leaves for the US in 10 days or so. For people, Janaka is “dead”; finished; over with; their sense of fraternity extends only so far, as long as the interests of the “living” are covered. What a comedy! I still don’t know what to do. To trust is probably the only useful thing I can do! … I received a birthday telegram from F.J and Ch.J; I should have expected it, but it came as a sweet surprise; I had forgotten about it! *9-4-1987, Auroville: I had wanted this day to be unmarked and had asked Ar. not to do anything special; yet when I returned home I found the house filled with garlands of jasmine, and plucked roses and orchids… It is strange: I felt no joy, not even pleasure; it is only gradually that sheer love for the flowers themselves arose, and a certain respect and wonder at Ar.’s resilience of affection… But later, by chance lifting a garland to attach it around my little statuette of Krishna dancing, I uncovered something that had been wrapped underneath: it is a most beautifully worked brass and copper statue of Ganesh, and I felt delighted at once, that Sri Ganesh himself had come, the very sweet and very true Ganesh… … I didn’t want to see anyone today, at least anyone who would know of my birth date; I seem to be touching the end of something human, the human experience of relating, and I do not know what is on the other side… After the work this evening I rode down to the beach with N, and I happened to ride right behind Diane and my princess as they were driving that way; it was painful: Diane turned once toward me, almost as if she had known I was there; she saw me, and it took her an instant or two before she glanced away, and that was the pain… Why, why all this? When I came back, leaving N at his house, I found on the door a sweet sign from G.M; and he had left there a tiny bronze Ganesh as well! Lord Ganesh really came to wish me something today!

*10-4-1987, Auroville: This afternoon Larry and Yaap came together to “Ravena” and we discussed the practicalities of Yaap’s starting to build his own house in the adjacent field and how I am going to keep things together on the site… It was a little tiring and it took